Just a feeling.

Today I went to town and sat at a terrace table with a coffee and an open mind. I thought it would be fun to sit there and “watch”, watch people, and watch life going on with a “Vacant” and open mind and see what “pops into it”. It probably hasn’t escaped the notice of some that I have been erm, “preoccupied” recently. Those who know why, well, they know why, and those who don’t, well, no need to. Suffice to say, “I have not been entirely myself” so, what of this morning? I sat with my coffee and faced the bar. I saw people all going about their business, the builders “building” the delivery men “delivering” Holidaymakers “holidaymaking” The old Spanish men coming for a “copa” and saying the same things they always do. It was a “groundhog day” just like every other day.

A couple of Americans who live here wandered up to the bar and took their place at an old Sherry barrel they talked for a few minutes and then an old Spanish lady came down the road and they smiled and said “Hola” and then they kissed her on both cheeks. You may think “so what”! Well, it isn’t “that” common for the “extranjeros” to have that degree of contact with the locals, it isn’t that rare either here in Gaucin but nevertheless, it was a nice thing to see. For me it was; “the moment”, I just stopped in time and saw the moment they saw each other, and the big smile, the open arms and the greeting. I was suddenly filled with a calm feeling, and I thought, and wrote, this:

 “Take away everything but, “The moment”, all that was before, and all that is yet to come. The “greeting”, the smile the kiss hello, says all we need to know. Hold the moment and it will be with you all the time”

There is nothing profound in that I know, but there was more to it. More than “I” understand yet and I am not going to “analyse it” either. I was just thinking how good it would be if that “sentiment” was “everywhere”! It didn’t matter who you were, a rich American retiree or a little old Lady struggling with your shopping bags, there was definitely a pleasure at that encounter that transcended any status gender age.

And while this was happening there was an English couple in their early sixties dressed in the attire of the successful, he in White shorts and pink Ralph Lauren polo shirt, she in a short white lacy dress that might have been better suited to a 20 year old and they were talking quite loudly in surrey accents about this business deal and how it cost 6000 pounds just for something or other, and that struck me as, well “plastic”! There was this lovely honest ego-less encounter across the road and right next to me a “self” filled display of vacuous nonsense. Now I shouldn’t “Judge” I know, but it seemed to represent the current battle going on in the world between those who are trying to amass wealth and status and those who just want to enjoy life and people. I should say here that “I didn’t THINK about any of this” it was just a “feeling”. I opened myself to atmosphere and that is what I “felt”.

I just wish we could “ALL” put whatever “conditioning” we have behind us and recognise the “common bond” we have.

Falling down.

I fell off the stairs this morning, well; when I say “fell” I mean “jumped”! I was on the first top step (in socks) and just slid, I rapidly decided that to continue on an uncontrolled descent step by step in a gravity led movement, was NOT a good idea, so I transferred my position to where there was “nothing”! “Over the side” it is only an 8 foot drop so landing wasn’t too uncomfortable but managed to wrench my right shoulder and neck. What I “thought” I was doing was the very same thought that occurs to an 18 year old in similar situation, how come those stupid thoughts don’t go away when you are 51?  As if that wasn’t a bad enough start to the day, I then had another 2 “falling moments” but without injury. Now I don’t drink and don’t take drugs so I wondered why I should have this problem, then I realised it had happened before, in NZ I leapt, leaped or leapded, from one truck tail lift to another only the other, was 1 inch higher than the one I was leaving; I came down on my knee and hands very hard and the tail-lifts are heavy steel chequerplate; it effin hurt!

The reason I am sharing this is because I fancied some homemade French fries and then I thought, “Hmm, HOT OIL!” am I really safe enough to get involved in hot oil when I am having “senior moments”?? I then started thinking about all the other extremely dangerous things I do on a daily basis! “Showering”! I “have” had a couple of “slippy” moments recently, driving! Well, day before yesterday I nearly pulled out on a speeding car, (right hand drive in Spain is lunacy!) then there was the Market; it was very hot, may get sunstroke! I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t just ease myself onto the floor and just lay there, it is reasonably safe, there are brown recluse spiders and other nasty creepy crawlies I suppose but generally it is safe.

I am not particularly “sedentary” so I am a tad concerned that these things are happening. I am very slim so it isn’t because I am trying to haul huge volumes of unwieldy fat around and of course, in my mind, that 5 bar gate looks a doddle to jump over! So I am wondering if anyone else is experiencing these equilibrium errors!?

Anyway, “back to the real world” J at the end of September my time at the Casita comes to an end; I have no reason to stay in Gaucin other than those I choose and I was contemplating my next move. Should I “move on”? Should I continue this “vagabond lifestyle” and see what other experiences I can have? I am still wondering if I have been a bit daft in how I have lived so far, despite it having been a marvellous cornucopia of personal challenges. I do not seem to be able to rid myself of a brain that refuses to accept responsibility yet I have an underlying concern that I am a bit out on my own!

I have met 2 people in the last 9 months who have very quickly suggested that I am a Chameleon! A “Chameleon”? Still don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or insult! I suppose it could be both? I certainly can “adapt” to my environment but believe me, it can be quite wearisome. And when you seem to be the only one doing any “adapting” it can feel like being in a Petri dish! Which is sodding annoying because I like to think it is “I” doing the observing!

Things that have crossed my mind recently have ranged from. Hitching a lift on the next Atlantic Rally Crossing (November December ish) attempting a new business down on the coast (yeugh!) getting trained to be a photographer, selling everything except the bare minimum and just “walking off” ,joining a monkery (Hah! Nfw) going Gay, (I know, not a job but something that may answer some other questions!) or “Getting a proper job” (well, I had to put “something” ridiculous into the mix!)

Update on the French fries, “I went for it and didn’t get burnt” things are looking up already!!

I don’t have much time to make any decisions and there is a lot of work to do on the Casita before the end of July so it looks very much like the format that has existed until now will continue; Wait and see. Have heard ALL the worn out metaphors about “time and tide” etc and although very clever, don’t actually work on me. ;-)

Right, what dangerous activity shall I attempt now……………..ah yes, “cuppa”