Today I found out I was single again. Apparently I should already have known this!
I used to think I was quite a good communicator. I thought too that I was fairly adept at reading a situation whether in a personal or public environment. In fact, I have been “telling myself” this very thing for many years; perhaps in the vain hope that by self hypnosis, it would become a reality! Sadly, (for me) it has not become a reality and I am still as bleedin unaware of my personal environment as I have ever been. Either that, or, I am seeing things from a perspective that has no name! oh, I am sure there are a multitude of “terminologies” to explain my state, and I am equally sure they are ever so slightly tinged with some “man-made” justification but I do not think I am an unintelligent being and have given any “assessments” a clear and, as far as possible, diploid analysis (great word, new context?) so; is the attempt by mankind to be “dualist” or rather “in a relationship” with a member of the “opposite sex” either necessary or “the point” of our existence? I have had a cauldron full of “alternative” views presented to me over the last few months that have awakened within me a 35 year old interest in the metaphysical.
It started with being called a “Chameleon” by someone who had only known me 2 hours! I was impressed with such an insight or terrified I was so easy to read! and recognised a truth in the statement. I have “adapted” to many different environments over many years and generally done so without raising much attention, well, until I was unable to maintain the illusion; one ceases to be a chameleon if one maintains a certain colour/pattern!
I “had” been laying reasonably comfortably with the notion that we are simply “Biological” with absolutely NO other purpose than to make life as long and enjoyable as possible without making too much impact on the environment or trouble for ones-self. It was a simple and fairly easy state to be in and satisfied most of the senses. It does however, (for me anyway) mean anaesthetising the other senses, that, has always been a major challenge for me, as those “other” senses seem to me to be “natural” whereas my understanding of why I must satisfy the more basic ones is inextricably linked to what some others have decided is “the way” I only need money because the system has decided it that way. If I try and NOT need money, it becomes virtually impossible to have a safe reasonable existence. There are those who have said, “Why should it be either safe or reasonable?” (But even they have need of money) it is not unreasonable to expect the advancements in human development to be available to ALL humans, of that I am convinced. And it should NOT be a privilege or linked to some form of slavery. (I am not a Papua New Guinean either so reverting to “that” shouldn’t be the alternative!)
I have digressed!
I wonder sometimes how many other people feel/think in a similar manner to me, clearly, my perspective makes a relationship difficult at best or downright impossible; I have to get used to that. I have given time to the influence of a supposed “Bi-Polar” aspect of my nature and in more recent times a certain degree of Aspergers but even if those are within my personality, they are no different to any of the apparent “inconsistencies” in the personality of my partners! (There are names for their peccadilloes too) it always seems as though it is “My” personality that causes the rift!
I can see why some people turn to religion or some other form of “safety net” when they get presented with a situation that seems insurmountable. You look inside your own head and think “what the fuck! Where did I/It go wrong!?” the answer isn’t there or doesn’t appear to be so it must be out there somewhere? Nah! The truth is probably very simple.
We need to clear the “cache” once in a while, “de-frag” the hard drive, set a system restore point and make sure we have made a”Back-up”! But then we need to go even deeper and take a good hard look at the OS! I think mine must be a personal Platform as yet only used by a few and totally incompatible with Windows or even Apple! I am going to call it…..”Constellation-3:1.” If your brain runs on this platform, get in touch, I have a few “Apps” I would like to share with you!
