It’s been a while since my last blog, before Christmas I think and frankly, I just haven’t felt the need, I have been screwed by apathy..........again! I have also been allowing the mind to wander in whatever direction it fancied to see where it would lead me.
Tonight whilst laying on the sofa, I managed to fall asleep before I wanted to, mental exhaustion takes me like that very rarely, but it happened and it was good. When I woke it was once again with the thoughts of a woman I had once had a relationship with. It was many years ago yet she never really leaves my mind. It was her choice that we finished and although at the time I accepted it as inevitable, I don’t think I ever really understood what went wrong. I am sure I made all the right noises if asked about it, kept dignity and suggested we just weren’t “compatible” but as I don’t think any humans are really “compatible” I would have known it was just an easy answer to a frustrating problem.
She was perhaps the first person ever to call my bluff. The words she said on our first meeting still rattle around in my head; “you seem shallow but I can see beneath that facade and that is who I want” not verbatim but she was essentially saying she didn’t care for the “shell” me, she wanted what she believed was beneath it. Made me cry a little. It was one very odd first date! I got the feeling that at last someone had “recognised” me despite the protective armour; it might as well have been a negligee as far as she was concerned. Oddly, it was at a time when I was closer to reaching some kind of academic fulfilment than I had ever thought possible, and that, had changed me considerably for the better (so I was told) I had reached a level of awareness previously hidden from me and was calm and reasonably level headed for the first time in my life. I was being offered a place at Oxford to study psychology (if I was prepared to do nothing else for 3 years!) I had been single for about a year and all looked rosy. I had this vision of finally laying to rest the notion that I was not as intelligent as I had always thought and here was my chance to prove it, but she entered my life and bang, I was off on a romantic rollercoaster. I left Plater that summer and never returned. (One might say THAT proves my lack of intelligence!) It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable I am. Living in the moment means one must be, but it isn’t an easy way of life. I have to give airtime to the thought that I was probably a little scared of the commitment to 3 years at possibly the toughest educational establishment available. It wasn’t “modular” oh no, 3 years-exam-pass or fail! The thought of 3 years and then only getting a second or 3rd! Was not acceptable to me, it had to be a first or nothing. So, it wasn’t a difficult decision, I had just crammed 2 years learning into one at Plater and the psychology tutor thought I was the bees patella’s whilst the sociology tutor considered my essays “visionary”! That’ll do for me I thought, academic potential identified thank you very much but I am aging rapidly and I have found the woman of my dreams.
Let’s get something straight here; I am not pining for a long ended relationship. It ended I got over it, that is a given. I am just curious as to why this one has never really left my consciousness. Sometimes I think the three years at Oxford would have been easier than the three years I spent with her! (I could say I got a “fail” after all!) There is a lesson in there somewhere and I probably know what it is.
So, this Christmas I spent alone and so I believe did she. I had several recollections of our Christmases together over those few days and at times I felt I was there with her. No, that isn’t right, what I mean is, I felt connected to her over Christmas, no, that isn’t it either! Ok, At Christmas, at certain times of the day, it was like I was there but unseen? Oh soddit! I can’t explain it. I am not used to being “lost for words” especially where affairs of the heart are concerned but in her case that seems to be....the case! I don’t like it, it is very annoying for me, I have been able to “rationalise” the others, but this one eludes me.
This wasn’t an easy relationship, by easy I mean; I had to make quite a few changes to my personality in order to avoid conflict but I accepted her observations about me and did see some truth in them. I had picked up quite a few bad habits and didn’t particularly want them and was happy to try and dispose of them for her (and of course me!) Physically she was perfect. The way she looked the way she spoke the way she dressed all of it was a stimulant beyond anything I had ever experienced yet she was the antithesis of “dolly”. I have never made a romantic decision based on looks despite some of my comments; I can’t get my head around a “type” how restrictive is that? Not for me. There has to be “something” something that strikes a chord and piques my interest. It isn’t something I can explain using words, therefore it “isn’t something I can explain”! I don’t want to either. That’s twice I have expressed my “lack of words” in this blog, that seems to be the problem, I can find no words to adequately understand why I didn’t keep her. She I am sure can explain it but given the impact I felt she had on me it wouldn’t help. I want to understand why “I” didn’t succeed. Yes, I “see” the arrogance in that statement! But let me explain; she stripped me bare and still wanted me, how often is that going to happen in a lifetime?
When it ended I knew I would have to get as far away from her as possible. I had to make myself very distant in both mental and physical dimensions, the physical was easy. I took the QM2 to the USA. I threw myself into whatever would take me away; mentally it was not happening and to be honest neither was it happening in my heart. I could very easily see myself getting the first plane back at the drop of a hat or a nonexistent phone call to “come home”! Despite having taken nearly everything I had from her house when I left, there were a few things I couldn’t get in the car which after a while I thought she would see and start thinking she missed me and would have similar feelings about having me back. She didn’t of course; she got stuck into her life. There was one incredible moment when we were communicating again where she said she would have loved a big hug. I say incredible because it was totally unexpected, a moment of weakness on her part? I don’t know why I didn’t consider it a sign and leg it back to her, maybe I didn’t want her to want me in a moment of weakness? More likely I recognised “my” weakness for her and knew I would put pressure on her. That would not be right, love should have been able to just give her what she needed at that moment and ask for nothing in return? I know the “words” but sometimes the “Tune” evades me.
I don’t know if this is a common feeling but the thought of another seems as remote as the Antarctic, and even after a year or so you kind of know there will be things about the new relationship that will be either a reminder of the old one or a diametrically opposed one to one you loved. I know this quite painfully because the woman I met next could not have been more different from . she was a an ex actress and model that devoured red meat, hunted, smoked pot and was only slightly right of Genghis Khan. I had spent the previous year’s becoming as vegetarian as I could and involved in ethical socially considerate environments, it “felt” very much where I wanted to be whereas this new one thrust me back into an environment I could easily be in, it was armour back on! It was easier to be with the new one because I could return to Mr. Cavalier, after years of being that way one never forgets how. Some of you may see that brazen over confident personality now. It is of course totally fake! It is there to protect myself from any confidence sapping remarks. “Say what you like, I don’t give a damn”? Hmm, what is that about? Part of it is true; I don’t give a damn, but maybe inside a part of me does. The new relationship was awash with those “ribbings”, although to be fair she was also very confident in my abilities. That may of course have been because I gave the impression of bold confident? It doesn’t matter now, she is one who let go and despite my admiration for her talents and ability, she was never going to be for me. The “connection” was probably “reactionary” (for both of us) I could also see that I could not give her the complete package she wanted. She doesn’t think I tried, I did, but not where she wanted it.
One of the mistakes I made with .............. Was when she exposed my soft underbelly, I assumed I could let go of all the bullshit and say what I wanted knowing it would be safe with her. I say mistake because although that might be treated as precious, it can be seen as a “weakness” that should be watched closely, even scrutinised. It was, and all my protestations that whatever stupid thing I said or did, it wasn’t the real me, eventually crumbled, whatever faith she had in me slowly disappeared. It was the first time a relationship had ended that, as I drove away, I was in tears with a kind of knowing it was beyond repair. It was a five hour drive to my parents house and for 3 of those I expected a call, I still thought there was something she was expecting me to do that would change things, I had exhausted myself and my repertoire was spent.
So I ask myself this question; is it ok to attempt a relationship with someone new when despite knowing and accepting this other one is over, there is still going to be a “connection” albeit garbled, still there for me?
