What women want, in a nutshell
Ok,
the title? Let's dispel this little myth straight away. What women
want, does NOT come in any nutshells, it is more likely found in the
“Seychelles” I could stop there but that would be a
generalisation which again let's be honest, they “never do”!
Women
want you to lie but they also want you to tell the truth. If this
sounds confusing it is probably because it is and is meant to be. A
man who knows what his woman wants is of no further use where
starting pointless arguments is concerned. This is where IKEA comes
in handy as women seem to love the place despite most of the rubbish
sold there being distinctly designed for a bachelor pad. (note, the
owner of IKEA is a bloke called Olafson or something similar it
really doesn’t matter except for the fact that he decides what you
want and gives you choices that are all scarily similar) When she
asks you “Do you like that one” and you reply “Yes” she will
probably say, “you don’t like it do you”? and you may reply
“No, not really I prefer that one” she will then very likely
start to tell you why it doesn’t work with the rest of the design
of the house and refer to one of the plethora of “Male” TV
interior designers and what “they” think. You should, at this
point make the realisation that although you “have” testicles,
they are surplus to your role in matters pertaining to “design”
even though just about everything you see around you was designed by
a pair of testicles.
Regarding
your woman's arse, this is a very tricky area for many reasons.
Firstly, despite it being of elephantine proportions “she” will
require you to have a certain degree of blindness or be
“Buttocksighted” This may, of course, prove virtually impossible
if you have relegated yourself to the “walk behind” position
adopted by many males these days (more on that later) you may at this
point be wondering why the jeans manufacturers don’t just put the
crotch somewhere around the knee area as there hasn’t been a gap
from that point up for some time, make sure you keep that thought
totally private “she” has no idea you noticed as borne out by the
many times you didn’t “Notice” the wash and blow dry she had so
many times before that cost some 27.50 at a “salon” owned
by....................a bloke! With regard to the colour “Grape”
(unfound anywhere on earth other than on a “Grape” really, it
looks lovely, the glaring fact that it makes her face akin to that of
Nosferatu is simply “You” “Everyone else” thinks it looks
great too and bear in mind that as “hair” doesn’t get “Fat”
she can look at it all day and never have doubts?
With
regard to her southern bound body, you should present a little
latitude here. It happens to nearly all of them, only those who do
not let it happen are immune, even if that means reducing the
quantity of sugar-laden carbohydrates and doing a little exercise, she
“doesn’t want to do it” and “You” need to understand her
right to become a double weeble. Should you NOT accept it you must be
fully prepared to pay for some serious cosmetic surgery along with
some serious cosmetics. Obviously, this doesn’t come cheap! But as
you have been reliably informed by the skinny stunner on the telly
“She’s worth it”! or you continue to play the “you look just
like you did when I met you” game and give some consideration to
the unlikely possibility that it is “your eyes” that are
developing a perception defect. I have never tried it but “My god
you look fat” and then “I must get my eyes seen to” may, just
may be a clever move. Do not under any circumstances say, as I once
heard a mate say, when told “you never say anything nice to me”
by his now ex-girlfriend “You don’t sweat much for a fat lass”!
it is critical for the well being of “man” kind as a whole to
maintain the “men like a bit of flesh” despite the media
thrusting the complete opposite in front of you every day. You
should ignore the fashion world’s feeble attempt to show “the
larger lass” in sideshows, it is a fad that will go away unlke
your partners desire to stuff her face with whatever has “naughty
but nice” stuck to it. (btw, that does NOT include you! You are
just a bastard)
Eddie
Reader sang a song called “tell me a beautiful lie” this was a
mean and cruel trick. If you try this tack you will undoubtedly come
unstuck. To a woman there is no such thing as a “beautiful lie”
there are simply lies and whatever you say about why you came home
late from work will NOT be believed, she will know instantly because
you “never” smile and give her a kiss when you get home. The
mistake here is that “you” decided when to lie, never do this,
always wait for her cue as to when a lie may be called for, she will
of course have contempt for you when you do it even though you are in
a very confused state and given little choice, the dress she is
trying on needs to have your coerced approval and a lie in those
circumstances is a must.
Television
can be a very challenging medium for many reasons but one of the most
likely flashpoints will be where “celebrities” or sports-people
are concerned. In the 100 meters male race it is perfectly normal and
acceptable for her to marvel at the flip flop of a 10 inch unslung lycra-clad dick but obviously, and you should not even have to think
why, it is not even remotely similar to delight at the rhythmic rise
and fall of a similarly clad pair of mufflers, equally the film where
Brad pitt or Daniel Craig gratuitously remove their tops and don
skimpy trunks is an artistic necessity for the plot of the film
whereas trying to catch a glimpse of titty in the Nivea shower lotion
ad is gratuitous sex, even though it is “aimed at your partner!”
the psychology behind this is very clever. One may be forgiven for
thinking “surely if they want “HER” to buy this lotion they
should show a bloke in the shower”? nope! They know full well
“you” will get caught ogling and then that means she can punish
you by purchasing this overpriced useless chemical. What can you say?
You did say “wow look at that” when the advert came on and even
though you tried to explain you meant the lather she had you pegged.
You may want to memorise this rhyme for future safety: “Flopping
Schlong, nothing wrong. Bouncing tits means big hits”
Hormones
and menopause:
This
is not such a complicated situation as you may think. Hormones are
depressing, she doesn’t particularly enjoy it either but it is your
duty as a loving husband to help yourself as much as possible when
this much misunderstood natural event happens. It is “Much
misunderstood”! what the fuck more do you need to be told! Get the
hell out of her way and do not come back until she is 75. If you
somehow managed to evade death during the monthly hormonal attack you
may well be entering the “Menopause” I think men have been
getting the required reaction to this situation all wrong. It seems
to me that it has been named thus “Men-O-Pause” to give you a
hint as to the best course of action. Its a “Pause” for “Men”.
Or, a period where you have been advised to leave, take a break, have
a trial separation for the next 20 years.
Should
you decide to stick around during this very difficult period of your
life she will undoubtedly need you to “understand her” more than
ever! Yep, I know, beggars belief eh! You just spent the last 30
years “failing miserably” to figure her out and now she goes and
changes into something even more complicated and expects you to
finally “get it”! well, let’s have a look at what you can
expect to lose exclusive use of:
The
“philishave or Gilette Mach 12” a “dry bed” any “description
of how bloody hot you may feel” rather like when she gave birth and
said you could NEVER understand the pain (despite the FACT that often
they elect to go through this “Pain” again a few times whereas
one kick in the nuts is enough to tell you you wouldn’t want
another one!) you may have to try and get your head around the need
for an extortionately priced concoction called “Royal Jelly” and
“Evening primrose oil” both of which have been proven by those
who make it, to be of some relief for her menopausal condition. Of
course they don’t! You could sell her Tesco raspberry Jelly at this
period of her life and she would believe it was helping but don’t
think for a minute she will swallow your morning glory any more now
than in the last thirty years! You may be wondering where the hell
the hair on your head is going? It is a scientifically proven
hypothesis that it migrates to her chin during the night hours.
It
is quite possible that as menopause starts she will find a new sexual
vigour that she will expect you to try and, but fail to, fulfil. This
is why Viagra was invented. Obviously the only thing that finds a
large hairy sweaty thing lying in the grass “attractive, is another
gorilla but you must see past that sexist bullshit and persevere with
the lie that has thus far been your life.
On
an optimistic note, many women in their fifties are fantastic, you
won’t actually find one willing to be with you but they ARE there I
am unreliably informed.
The
“weight” issue:
This
is easily summed up in one short sentence. “There isn’t one”!
ok, maybe a little elaboration. The “Issue” is with you and your
great fat beer belly! Her slight increase in volume is entirely down
to evolution (yeah, the evolution of fuckin cakes!) that with the
fact you have failed miserably to make her happy and so Mr Cadbury
came to the rescue, this seems odd to me because “I” can consume
large portions of chocolate and remain relatively svelt, I am making
the entirely unfounded suggestion that “Moving around a bit too”
might have something to do with this phenomenon. Walking behind her
is simply not done! Firstly because the sight of an enormous arse
squeezed into jeans that stretch only the material and NOT the
imagination is a depressing one and secondly because she absolutely
knows you are using this vantage point to swivel whenever a younger
slimmer female enters your peripheral vision. Of course you may save
on shaving foam as your chin will clearly be scraping along the
pavement signalling to everyone that you may not have a lead but it
is there held firmly by the McDouble sized woman in front of you
which will become even more apparent when you turn right into every
shop she does! Do not do it! Walk proudly beside her and know that
she is indeed “more than “A” woman. Hold her hand, it may save
your wasted body from blowing away should a sudden breeze hit.
Very
large women “can” be fun. For example there are few sights more
gut-wrenchingly funny than seeing a Hattie Jaques sized lady fall on
her butt and then attempt to get up. After you have stifled this
hilarity welling up in your belly try and resist also the feeling you
should help her up, hernia surgery is painful and as nearly all
civilised towns have a fire brigade! Just remember to remind her how
lovely she thought those muscly firemen were she was getting horny
over before ;-) this perhaps one of the few and rare times “You”
will be able to get your own back.
Before
she gets to the stage where she has persuaded the long suffering
doctor she is indeed “disabled” you may find you need to make a
difficult decision regarding your car. You have two choices, either
get a really expensive “Big” one with fancy self adjusting
suspension or a rough old banger that you have no emotional
attachment to. the big expensive one will make her feel great as her
ears won’t be dragging on the tarmac and the banger will have a
similar effect as it will confirm her belief you are a useless
provider. Win win the
difficult time where transport is concerned is when the Dr finally
gave up trying to advise her on weight issues and issued a medical
certificate confirming she is “disabled” and in need of one of
those electric scooters. You may have seen one? They were originally
designed for people who “Couldn’t” walk due to being for
example “Without legs”! or maybe “paralysed” through
“Accident”! there will always be a certain degree of
embarrassment when she rolls up to the cake shop and blocks the
doorway whilst she buys a few kilos of gateaux. You can easily avoid
this by selling the house and buying one just out of range of the
battery life the extreme
downside of this new situation is that your days of “car dreaming”
are over! You now need a vehicle suited to hauling both her AND the
500 kilo battery powered chair around and this is never going to be
either pretty or exciting, its going to be a “Van”! there IS
always an upside and in this
instance you now have a vehicle big enough to put whatever you
“think” belongs to you, in, and fuck off to the Canary Islands.
