My Bonnie lies over the Ocean.

I was going to write about “Petticoat Breeze” an Oyster 435 yacht that I sailed across the Atlantic with its owner in 1994, but quite frankly, and this may sound odd, but……….well, it was pretty boring! Apart from a B1 Knockdown about half way across which put Brian and me on the cabin sole with a full breakfast following and the excitement of catching “One” yes “One” fish in 21 days! It was uneventful. The skies were unbelievable though. There can be few places on the planet where the total lack of light pollution, other than the soft phosphorescence of the sea, afford one an astronomical experience that will stay with you a lifetime. Oh, and the occasional flying fish smacking you in the ear at night! That is one weird feeling; it really IS getting slapped in the face with a wet fish!

It sort of went like this: Left Gibraltar (that’s always a pleasure, fucking dump!) three days “reaching” down the coast of Africa to Gran Canaria and Las Palmas. Two weeks of party and social events, Briefing for passage/race. Day of race, 200 plus yachts vying for position! That was “Fun”! Then bang, off we go. Head off down the African coast once again until Cape Verde then Hang a right and put everything up. For “running” (With the wind) we decided to put 2 genny's up and leave the main down. Whisker poles made sure they stayed where they were in case of lack of wind, and “preventers” so they didn’t flap around (that was why the B1 was a little scary) anyway, every 4pm B would say, “Right, time for a cigar” on the aft of the yacht. Only ever Havana’s. Conversation dries up pretty bloody quick on 40 odd feet of yacht after a few days! Believe me, if you are going to do this, take a “partner” (relationship kind) that’ll fuck it for sure!!

So, that’s it really. We sailed into Rodney Bay St Lucia at 9pm. I had a week of hard partying (much to the annoyance of B) and then flew back to Spain.

Now if you want an exciting sailing adventure you need to take a sixty five foot wooden motor yacht from Gib to Valetta! You can call her “Sea Crest” if you want, the skipper did. And you can do it in 5 days of howling Mediterranean gales, now “That” will be “interesting”

Most people don’t realise that the Med is probably more dangerous than sailing the Atlantic.

We had enormous “rollers” crossing the Atlantic. Deep troughs and huge peaks spread over a decent distance are like a rollercoaster and incredible fun in good weather. You find yourself shouting “yeeeeehaw” when helming these seas. But the Med? Fucking awful “short confused opposing” seas. Incredible violent winds such as Mistral, Ghibli, Tramontana, Merak, Kamsin, Bora, they didn’t name most of the Maserati’s after “Breezes”! They can be wilder than a “Cougar with a pool-boy”

Anyway, Sea Crest was a TSDMY (twin screw diesel motor yacht) 2 beautiful Rolls Royce engines stuffed below acres of teak. She was Old but well loved if a little quirky.  For example, to make the port prop go forward you turned this wheel clockwise half a dozen turns, then you have the throttle that controls this engine now “THAT” requires “TWO” hands! To make the port engine go in reverse, you spin the wheel anti-clockwise and if you need to do that when you are already in forwards, it is a lot of wheel spinning. Now that would be ok if you only had one engine, but Sea Crest has two! So you get to do the same thing with the Starboard engine too. Anyone who understands Boating with a twin Screw will likely know you can have one engine in forward and one in backward revving at different speeds and can manoeuvre the boat quite well that way but with all these permutations! Sea Crest was a bitch and three quarters! Not an issue out at sea but in a Med marina stuffed with plastic gin palaces! I can tell you, there are a lot of worried faces on the “Plastics” when Sea Crest starts moving.

The owner Jim was taking her back to Malta and I went along to help. As is usual in the Med, we had left port in good weather and it wasn’t until we were far enough out to make returning a bore, that the weather changes. Forecasting is not particularly exact and it is major fickle anyway. We knew we could expect 5-7 and were not concerned by that, but we ended up with 8-9 and 10 which whilst amusing for short trips, become unbelievably draining after 24 hrs let alone 3-4 days.

We had a stop in Menorca for fuel and set off for Valetta.

Sea Crest was a lavishly appointed yacht with everything you could possibly want, including a “Bath”  she was also equipped with a “Vosper Thorneycroft Gyroscopic Stabiliser” “Oh yes!!” unfortunately neither Jim nor I realised it was really only meant for sickly swelly seas. We didn’t make this realisation until a day and a half of constant whirring from the room it was housed in. it was a loudish bang which needed investigating, the poor sodding thing had been attempting to correct the heavily rocking yacht for 36 hours when it decided to pop a pipe! I don’t know how many gallons of incredibly slippery hot oil ended up on the floor but it was a laugh and a half trying to clean it up in that sea! Jim had a fantastic attitude partly due (probably) to a stomach cancer remission. He knew how to have fun. I wish he hadn’t sold me that shotgun but that’s another story!

It was a Sunday and the sea was still raging and tossing the Yacht all over the place. We hadn’t eaten properly for a while so I told Jim I was going to make a full roast, Yorkshires an all. This meant wedging yourself between whatever you could in the galley; it was probably a bit daft having three pans of boiling water on the go even with a “gimballed” cooker, Sea Crest had a normal household one which made it even dafter but I persevered and a couple of hours later we were eating the full Monty chicken three veg roast spuds AND Yorkies! With chicken gravy from the stock. I love a challenge!

There is more to this but I am tired…………………………

Ok, awake again!

After 2 days of this awful weather and constant unrelenting rocking of Sea Crest, things generally start to “loosen”! On the back of the yacht is a system of retaining a small launch/dinghy, “Davits” and Sea Crest had a rather nice expensive RIB complete with powerful outboard motor. This “Should” have been stowed away for such a long trip but it wasn’t; it was simply drawn up on some ropes in the usual way. Well, inevitably it broke free on one side and was crashing about half in the sea and banging against the transom. I saw this happen and legged it outside to try and save it. It was bloody lunacy hanging over the stern rails trying to pull it up but even though Jim was all for “cutting it loose” I kept trying. Eventually I managed to get it clear of the water and hauled it back up onto the Davits. Made sure it was well lashed this time. Looking back, I realise I never see the danger in things at sea. I feel totally comfortable doing things that I really shouldn’t risk! It wasn’t even “My” dinghy but the challenge was too strong to ignore.

It was getting dark as we approached Malta and the weather was an easterly gale (think it was Easterly) we could see lights on the coast and so examined the Charts (don’t ever call them Maps!) to see where the entrance to Valetta was; we thought we could see port and starboard harbour lights in the distance and so called the port authority on the radio and let them know we were arriving. Sea Crest was equipped with Radar and so we set it to about a mile and looked for an entrance; we couldn’t see one but were pretty sure these lights must be the entrance, the port said,”nope, we can’t see you on OUR radar?” we still headed for these lights. I suppose we were a few hundred yards away when the depth sounder started showing a rapidly disappearing depth! And then we realised these lights were on a nightclub or disco! We Jim threw the wheel over and we headed back out before we became an artificial island!

All sorts of info is available to sailors re navigation and port info so we looked to see if there was anything to help figure out exactly where we were. There was a ferry that went between Valetta and Sicily I think it was, and we spotted her lights off to our port. The port guide book said “never try and enter Valetta in an easterly gale unless you have knowledge of the entrance!” we were too pissed off with being at sea in such crap weather to take heed and so decided another night at sea was a no go.

Jim took the helm and I stuck my face into the rubber cowl to look at the radar. Jim said, “tell me when to turn” this was a dodgy manoeuvre as it meant presenting Sea Crests beam (side) to huge waves and risked a capsize. We had to time it precisely. The Ferry had disappeared into the entrance as I could see on the radar; Jim kept saying “now?” I replied, “wait……. Wait…………wait” then we were at midpoint to the entrance and I said “Now!” it was a little nervy as the helm went over to turn, the sea picked her up from the port stern quarter and she was in a strange position for what seemed ages pitching forward but also listing heavily to port. Then she slid down a wave and “surfed” into the harbour entrance! It was crazy but fun, a 65 foot 30 tonne surfboard! And then………. Peace, totally flat water, that is an eerie feeling going from terrible seas to the calm of a port. We secured her into a berth and stepped ashore, Terra firma always feels very odd after such a trip but it was wonderful. Your body totally relaxes but your brain still rocks.

COBOL FORTRAN & BASIC

Maybe a little explanation of “why” I am a tad jaded is called for. But please, don’t go telling me to “Move on”! Put it behind you etc, I really don’t give it much thought but I do think it pertinent as I am not a Salmon! And I also never look back and hanker!

Just before I married, I knew I would have to get sensible and start a career or at least attempt to be a more successful crook. I looked at what was available for the likes of me, no qualifications, no stable work history, a record, etc, and I decided I needed to get some training in an area that interested me.

About that time, computers were a fairly rare beast and very few people had “Pc’s” but, I had a hunch it would be a popular thing and so decided to get some training in it.

I knew there was going to be a course at Colchester Tech College in Computer programming and so bought a couple of books on Programming. One was the series, “Programming for dummies”. At that time, the programming language was generally “Basic” but there was “COBOL and FORTRAN too” and so I learned the three. I then toddled off down to the College for an interview.

I had done this officially and so was a little nervous as there were also going to be three people on a panel.

I should say here that I was able to learn the programming because I had er um acquired a Tandy EX 3000 from a “Trusted source” ;)

I arrived at the college and announced myself (there wasn’t a Barker!) I sat in front of this panel, smartly dressed, and answered all their questions eloquently and with some degree of confidence borne out of my study. They asked me other questions relating to engineering and the like and then……………………………… then they said, “We think you would do very well on the Hardware design course and would I be interested in that instead! Well, I bit their hand off! “Yes, I replied, I think I would like that” it was all too good to be true, “Hardware design”! Fuck me that was the top course! , they said they thought I would pass it with “Flying Colours. They then asked me, “What office experience have you had”!?..........I was on one of those, “tell the truth be honest, and everything will work out right, trips again! So told them I had none, save a little knowledge of goods in goods out from when my Father ran the Co-Op grocery warehouse for East Anglia.  They persisted with this line for a little longer seeming to try and get more out of me re Office or white collar work, and then said I should wait outside while they cogitated (obviously they didn’t use THAT word) I went into the corridor and sat nervously waiting and letting my mind run wild with thoughts of “designing shit”! After a few minutes, I was called back in and sat down. The one in the middle said to me, “we are very sorry, but it is our belief that although we think you would pass the course without problems, they felt I would NOT be able to get employment afterwards because in their experience, companies would demand some history of “Office work”!  They expressed regret at this situation and I thanked them for their time anyway and left.

Now, I was barely twenty when this happened. I had been rejected by the Army at 16 and there followed a plethora of rejections for the next 4-5 years whenever I attempted to “Fit in”. I was told for one reason or another, “Sorry we don’t think...” no, they didn’t fucking “Think”! if they had “Thunk” I might not be sitting here in Warm southern Spain working one day a week for a paradisiacal casita with uninterrupted views down to the warm Med and views of Africa, thinking “hmmmm, what shall I do now”?

Truth is, I DO get scared every now and then, but believe me; I have tried to fit in where “I” felt I could. It just doesn’t happen.

I am Angry and I am not going to take it anymore.

OK, here’s a Question, what to do next.

Anyone reading this diatribe, will probably have figured out that I am either “one screw loose, ever so slightly bonkers, mad as a hatter or just plain weird”

Clearly, I have absolutely NO direction (as far as being a productive member of society, ps, Member is a synonym of something else!) and still don’t exhibit any signs of changing that.

I can say quite categorically that my main focus of attention has been the pursuit of a relationship that will see me/us out. There has been a “drive” you see. A drive to find something that has sod all to do with the complete pointless mess we call society. Yes I know my perspective is anathema to most! I don’t give a flying toss though, most of the “reasoning” I hear when being browbeaten by a “Babylonian” is so easily ridiculed, I can’t be arsed to bother.

I have heard just about every “argument for” and all of them are selfish, blinkered and ultimately, finite. Capitalism is finite! And I am sure I will see the end of it as we know it. It doesn’t fucking work or compute!

“Democracy”??? Take a look at this quote;

Democrates (Greek: Δημοκράτης) a Pythagorean philosopher, concerning whom little is known. A collection of moral maxims, called the Golden Sentences (Greek: γνῶμαι χρυσαῖ) has come down to us under his name. They are written in the Ionic dialect, from which some writers have inferred, that they were written at a very early period, whereas others think it more probable that they are the production of the age of Julius Caesar. But nothing can be said with certainty, for want of both external and internal evidence. Some of these sentences are quoted by Stobaeus, and are found in some manuscripts under the name of Democritus. Apollonius of Tyana wrote at least one letter to a Democrates, Epistle 88.
It is possible that the sayings of Democrates all originate from an original collection of sayings of Democritus, but other scholars believe that there was a different unknown Democrates whose name became confused with the better-known Democritus: the Democrates sayings show little sign of Democritean technical vocabulary.^{[1]
(I put “Democrates” in Google search and it said, “did I mean, Democrats”! no, I fucking didn’t! that is why I put “Democrates”! insolent bloody technology!)}

“Of whom little is known”! “But nothing can be said with certainty”! That just about sums up the farce that goes by the name “Democracy”! It makes me mad because everyone (more or less) is going along with the con, “AND THEY KNOW IT”!! The times I have heard comedians making jokes about political things that we laugh at because of the “Stupidity” of the particular political lunacy that spawned the joke.

How many times are we going to listen to a Politician/Beurocrat say “yes, well, we must learn the lessons of this and see it never happens again”! “LEARN”! I thought they were supposed to KNOW what they were doing!!

Why is it that everyone but the village idiot KNOWS the Bankers have pulled a fast one and got away with it, but have yet to say “right, fuck this shit for a game of soldiers, I am taking it all out of the Bank”? (BEFORE THEY DO!!)

When are we going to accept that the Police are there primarily to protect business. I remember a girlfriend getting a glass smashed in her face and the culprit got a “Bound over in the sum of £50.00 to keep the peace! But commit benefit fraud and you are the scum of the earth, fail to pay your credit card bill and you could lose everything! The list showing cash is more important than people is endless.

Aristocrats? What the hell are they other than fops who inherited wealth stolen from the peasant long ago?

I asked a “Landed Farmer” once where he got his lands from, he said “My Father” I said, “Where did he get it from”, he said “His father”. This went on to as far back as his Gt Gt Gt or whatever father, when he finally said “he fought for it”. I looked at him and thought, “Hmmm, I could beat him” so I said, “Right, get your coat off”!

“What’s the difference”? Really? There isn’t any bloody difference except now he has “Policemen” to protect his stolen assets.

I am not a Socialist, nor a Capitalist, neither left nor the other direction. I am only interested in “FAIR PLAY”

Where do I go next? Well, I am biding my time, waiting for the “MAJORITY” to wake up and smell Java. Otherwise…………….. I am not coming out to play.

A bit of a ramble.

Being “Mono-Renal” as I am, had always convinced me I was not going to get a full crack at this carbon life.

Having been seriously ill as a child I “felt” as a teenager, “well, I ain’t gonna get a fuckin pension”! And that is a pretty good motivator for remaining outside the systems of society, in general. I am not generally altruistic towards “Humankind” (Oxymoron?) “Individuals”, yes, but the “mass mentality” seems a load of mush without a coherent plan for its own improvement or even for some semblance of contentment and stability. (Other than on an “Individual” level!)

I spent many of my early years “searching” for some answers that might shed some light on any potential “after-life” and remained “in the dark”! Yes there were some odd events/circumstances that hinted at there being something more than this physical existence, but nothing (as “I” could perceive) “convincing”. So at 51 I am now wondering if I am actually going to get to “pensionable age” and if so, how I might be living. But then, I am STILL convinced it won’t happen and am perfectly content with that notion.

There is actually “Nothing” man-made that warrants any clinging to life as far as I am concerned so there isn’t any real reason to fear NOT having anything. Ergo, no reason to fear death. (As it is morbidly called) the “Manner” in which one encounters the inevitable moment is the concern! Mangled in a potato chipper doesn’t sound too good! Neither does 5 years on oxygen having ones arse wiped because all practical human systems have packed up. “Dignity” is the key word for me; quick, no fuss no pointless clinging on to something past due.

I was thinking about “Thinking” and I thought…………….” How am I doing this? This “Thinking”? Where is it coming from? Why am I doing it? Will it produce anything of value? Does it have to produce anything of value? Is it “Me” doing it? Who is “Me?”

“Where is it coming from” is the interesting question for me at the moment. It seems, most of the time, to be a processing of information acquired from MANY different sources over a long period of my life. And I “Know” 99.9999% recurring of it is bullshit! Bullshit from all sources. Given enough time (and I have had loads!) I can figure out that most of what I “Know”??? Is not at all, what “I” know, it is information someone else “Told me THEY knew”. You try and sift out the “Informational knowledge” from your innate knowledge! You probably wouldn’t even know what was “Innate” and what was “indoctrinated”, er, I mean “Learned” I get the distinct feeling, we are not really being ourselves and that we haven’t a clue what we “Really” are. I DO know, I am a part of a universe. I also KNOW I haven’t a clue what a “Universe” is other than what I have been “Told” it is! I therefore don’t trust my knowledge/understanding of that either! Take “Doubting Thomas” and multiply his “Doubt” by a Googolplex and you find what is deemed to be “Me”!

I “feel” as though something is missing? I trust my “Feelings” more than anything else and even they are subject to scrutiny. Especially if after “going with the “Feeling” and then thinking you got it wrong!”You shouldn’t have trusted it.

I am leaning towards non-duality as a perfectly “reasonable” (questionable word!) answer to many questions I am not prepared to live this life in an “anesthetised manner simply to procure materials that will serve no purpose other than to perpetuate the anaesthetic. 

I put a lot of stuff on facebook about conspiracy’s, I am well aware that they can be,  and are, viewed by the vast majority as, just that, but why ? why should the instant response of the majority be “conspiracy theory” with all its negative connotations? Is it beyond the ken of man to believe his fellow man would want to control, suppress, enslave him? I think fuckin not! It has been done before and that particular mentality is still very abundant today.  Just look at the dictators toppling all over Arabia today! But “Who” is really toppling them? The media would have us believe it is the “Will of the people” but even a cursory glance at some of the “western” involvement shows that to be a possible falsehood. The West has a lot to gain from these topplings, well, when I say “The West” don’t make the mistake of thinking “We” as the large proportion of the West will benefit, it will almost without a shadow, be a few individuals and their entourage who benefit. “My” living carcass won’t gain anything whatsoever. And neither will those of the “Freed”!?!?

Since the dark ages a few families have been benefitting from the proceeds of a brutal lineage. Their pursuit? The acquisition of property lands etc. it is NOT a conspiracy theory, that “Money” is a private concern. It IS. Not what you’ve got in the bank, “what it actually is and who owns it” if you have the power to decide what something is worth, you effectively “OWN” it?

If you ask me to do a job and I say ok, I want 1000 Mars Bars to do that, to use “MY” time and effort and skill which I have decided (as is MY right to decide?) is what I am worth, then THAT is what I should get! If the same job is measured in 1000 pound notes (lets say a Mars Bar costs a quid) then it is effectively the same but when I have earned those 1000 pound notes, unless I immediately go out an buy 1000 Mars Bars, my time, effort, skill, becomes subject to what a Banker decides!!! “That” alone is NOT acceptable! It means I am enslaved to his/her decisions! Make no mistake, “That IS slavery”! and it is the most heinous form there is. It is YOUR life that is being dictated to by someone who has NO concern for your welfare.

My "OS" has malfunctioned"

Today I found out I was single again. Apparently I should already have known this!

I used to think I was quite a good communicator. I thought too that I was fairly adept at reading a situation whether in a personal or public environment. In fact, I have been “telling myself” this very thing for many years; perhaps in the vain hope that by self hypnosis, it would become a reality! Sadly, (for me) it has not become a reality and I am still as bleedin unaware of my personal environment as I have ever been. Either that, or, I am seeing things from a perspective that has no name! oh, I am sure there are a multitude of “terminologies” to explain my state, and I am equally sure they are ever so slightly tinged with some “man-made” justification but I do not think I am an unintelligent being and have given any “assessments” a clear and, as far as possible, diploid analysis (great word, new context?) so; is the attempt by mankind to be “dualist” or rather “in a relationship” with a member of the “opposite sex” either necessary or “the point” of our existence? I have had a cauldron full of “alternative” views presented to me over the last few months that have awakened within me a 35 year old interest in the metaphysical.

It started with being called a “Chameleon” by someone who had only known me 2 hours! I was impressed with such an insight or terrified I was so easy to read! and recognised a truth in the statement. I have “adapted” to many different environments over many years and generally done so without raising much attention, well, until I was unable to maintain the illusion; one ceases to be a chameleon if one maintains a certain colour/pattern!

I “had” been laying reasonably comfortably with the notion that we are simply “Biological” with absolutely NO other purpose than to make life as long and enjoyable as possible without making too much impact on the environment or trouble for ones-self. It was a simple and fairly easy state to be in and satisfied most of the senses. It does however, (for me anyway) mean anaesthetising the other senses, that, has always been a major challenge for me, as those “other” senses seem to me to be “natural” whereas my understanding of why I must satisfy the more basic ones is inextricably linked to what some others have decided is “the way” I only need money because the system has decided it that way. If I try and NOT need money, it becomes virtually impossible to have a safe reasonable existence. There are those who have said, “Why should it be either safe or reasonable?” (But even they have need of money) it is not unreasonable to expect the advancements in human development to be available to ALL humans, of that I am convinced. And it should NOT be a privilege or linked to some form of slavery. (I am not a Papua New Guinean either so reverting to “that” shouldn’t be the alternative!)

I have digressed!

I wonder sometimes how many other people feel/think in a similar manner to me, clearly, my perspective makes a relationship difficult at best or downright impossible; I have to get used to that. I have given time to the influence of a supposed “Bi-Polar” aspect of my nature and in more recent times a certain degree of Aspergers but even if those are within my personality, they are no different to any of the apparent “inconsistencies” in the personality of my partners! (There are names for their peccadilloes too) it always seems as though it is “My” personality that causes the rift!

I can see why some people turn to religion or some other form of “safety net” when they get presented with a situation that seems insurmountable. You look inside your own head and think “what the fuck! Where did I/It go wrong!?” the answer isn’t there or doesn’t appear to be so it must be out there somewhere? Nah! The truth is probably very simple.

We need to clear the “cache” once in a while, “de-frag” the hard drive, set a system restore point and make sure we have made a”Back-up”! But then we need to go even deeper and take a good hard look at the OS! I think mine must be a personal Platform as yet only used by a few and totally incompatible with Windows or even Apple! I am going to call it…..”Constellation-3:1.” If your brain runs on this platform, get in touch, I have a few “Apps” I would like to share with you!

As I was walking back from the Supermoon, and spring equinox, woods visit, I had a load of thoughts about a load of things. They seemed like revelations to me at the time but then I saw this enormous pine cone on the side of the road and all I could think about was how brilliant they are at getting the fire going! I carried that pine cone back to the Casita and then decided it was too special to burn.

I was wondering why we do what we do and whether we are really in control of our "Choices" I was speaking with a traveller this week-end who was reading "Punk Science" a book called "Inside the mind of God" and it started me thinking again about the same things I thought about when I was 17-22ish. I had decided long ago to "Stop" thinking about "Big questions" and try (many ways) to get into the main picture, I obviously never managed that and so here I am, 30 odd years later, back to "Thnking" about the same questions!
When i say "in control of our choices" I am referring to the choices we make about how we are going to "Fit in/Contribute" to society. what options are we really given? does anyone remember being taught "Metaphysics" at school? i seem to remember RE consisting of "The One God"! (ok, i missed a load of school so maybe THAT lesson was one of those days!)

When we had "Careers advice" where was "Philosopher" or "Great thinker"? Vagabond Tramp Bum Cad Bounder adventurer Astrologer Healer? in fact, ANY of the Jobs/professions statuses that go to make up our society as a whole! "you don't think the BUM is important"? how about how good he makes you feel when you give him a bit of change? or the feeling of smug superiority you get from knowing you are "OK" ! Everything is interconected and we leave it to "Chance"! no, I don't think so.
Everything we think we know has been taught us by people who also, think they know. In 35 years I have seen a whole bunch of crap I "Thought I knew"  proven to be bollocks! we have not been "Thinking" much at all really, we just accepted the spoonfed bullshit and swallowed it along with the "Job" we ended up doing.
I "Know" why I am where I am right now, I didn't believe a bloody word of what I was being told.
BTW. Einstein got a very "poor" Degree and Michael Faraday left school at 14 and had little formal education. if they had managed to get "Processed" we may never have got "Them".