3:45am and sleep just ain’t happening. It is always the early hours that my mind starts working. I start to “analyse” and this time I was analysing “thinking”!

It has been said that “I think too much” usually accompanied by “and don’t DO enough”!! That makes me laugh. “Thinking” burns a huge amount of calories! Anyway, I was giving thinking some thought and it started to dawn on me (in more ways than one given the hour) that being an “analyst” isn’t such a bad thing, even unfettered analysis. I am well aware that my thought processes are a little random; I am also well aware that I allow my mind free reign and that it sometimes takes me to very odd places, but what is wrong with that? As I write this for example, there is no real direction! I just have a “thought” and want to see where it goes.

There are already “plenty” of minds working away in “One” area. Even on a metaphysical level, I have seen the effects of “restraining” the mind to one particular area of focus and I “think” that is folly.

A friend once explained the “cocktail effect” of food and all the other things we have around us like, deodorant, shampoo, soap, smoke, whatever. Tests carried out to decide what is “safe” to eat and in what combinations, give us a feeling of security when eating whatever it is, but, did these tests take into account the absorption of chemicals from your clothes, shampoo, deodorant? I think not! It would be impractical to carry out a test that took ALL permutations into account. Our bodies being an incredibly intricate organism can and do get affected by the tiniest of atoms/molecules and we don’t have a Scooby doo if it caused the Cancer we got or the allergy. So; I was doing this thinking and relating it to the capacity of the brain, and it’s potential. We all know it is said we only use a fraction of it and let’s be honest, some don’t even use that! Personally I believe that whatever “I” can “think” is possible. I don’t know why, but it seems to me that if I can “think it” it can be done! And I am not talking about becoming an X Factor star or making a million. It may sound arrogant but they are just simple mechanisms that are more or less “controlled” by a set of circumstances influenced by others. I met a guy here in Spain many years ago who had a yacht worth 300,000 pounds, he paid 120,000 for it and couldn’t get his head around the fact that if he wanted it re-upholstered, it would cost a load of money, “But I only paid 120k for it” he said, I replied, “yes, but it still has the maintenance of a 300k yacht”! he also bragged about, “having a 120k yacht and 250k in the bank” his bragging would be laughable if he was saying this to a man with a 200k yacht and half a million in the bank! His thinking was “limited” to numbers and costs, a very low being on the brains scale despite his reasonable financial wealth. Some would say yes, but he is being successful in “this” life! But if the person who designed his yacht had limited “His” thinking to the same level, he would not have had a yacht. All the people who make huge amounts of money are technically useless! It is the “creators” who are the worthy.

I thought about “facebook” and I thought, “What a fantastic opportunity for the human race to “connect” the biggest “family” possible. And then I thought about the internet in general and must admit, I think it is the most stunning thing to have ever happened to mankind! There isn’t anything off limits now the entire knowledge of human endeavour now available to everyone! And what is it used for mostly?.............”pornography” and social networking! (Which quite often become one and the same thing online) I am astounded that after so many years of this available technology, we haven’t progressed beyond inane social sites and Porn! Sure, there are people who do use it for the feeding of the grey cells, but not the vast majority of us. I think if we did, there would be no war, Cancer would have been eradicated, and the levels of intelligence in school leavers would have increased not “decreased”! (I am talking “en masse” here not the individuals who ARE developing)

Surely we can agree that “communication” is key to growing? If so, what are we using this magic to “communicate”? A load of puerile nonsense is what! “Mafia wars! “My friend answered a question about you” on facebook apps! “Farmyard”! “Bejewelled”!! What the fuck!  I am seriously hoping that one day soon, we will wake up to the potential the internet has given us and say “right, that was fun, diversion over, now let’s sort out the fucking mess we created” ( I am not going to hold my breath!)

My dream is that we very soon create a symbiosis between technology and ecology; it IS possible to have a “green planet” and an ubertechnical one and it IS known by those who organise us, but unless we tell them in much larger numbers than from the lobby of small groups, they will ignore it. At the moment it is “too fucking slow”!

When a disease is in a tree, it is no good pruning a visibly affected limb, you need to uproot the bastard and burn it!

Its 5am and I just went up to try and grab a couple of hours and the moment my head hit the pillow… the bloody floodgates opened!

I tried to imagine what it would take for there to be a major shift in consciousness. Bearing in mind the shift of which I speak is heavily biased towards peace and positive human growth, and I thought about the 60’s and the peace and love movement. “There were millions of them”! Fucking millions of people all wanting peace and harmony and love and a better world! The music? All about banning wars and love and peace and shit, “Man”! What the hell happened?? I tell you what happened; they were all stoned! A few went off and lived true to their beliefs and the rest capitulated and became accountants and office bod’s they continued getting stoned and it all fizzled out like a damp squib. And the machine marched on, weapons got smarter Banks got richer, and a drive to find “instant” pleasure thrived. “There” was an opportunity to galvanise a change in consciousness that was missed or defeated! We got some great Art out of it, and Music and some cracking books, probably got a lot of herpes and HPV too as a result of “free love”! “Enlightened relationships” and what have you. My feeling? I don’t think being “peaceful” about change works. We have sat around for 60 years watching Arab countries be ruled by despot’s dictators and tyrants and we have allowed it to go on so we could get “Oil”, now the people have had enough and are doing the ONLY thing that works to any degree, and it ain’t “peaceful”! The west didn’t help over the last 60 years but now we want to help them? We didn’t supply any of them “despot or revolutionary” with the means to create a peaceful solution, we provided both sides with guns and bombs! It was a cast iron gold plated inevitability they would use them, and bet your last one “a few people” will get even richer off the back of it. Hey, I am no Einstein but doesn’t it seem incredibly simple to you too! And if so, why are you not (for those who aren’t) using the social network to make a noise about it? Do you think it won’t make any difference? Well, the social network managed to get enough support and pressure to get an abused Elephant released from the scum that were “caring” for it!

Take a look at Ian Puddick on facebook, this guy was/is being terrorised by the murder squad and terrorist squad for ………..”Grassing up an adulterer to his employers”! And he has…………….662 supporters on his facebook. Now I think we can do better than that surely?

As usual, my mind and thoughts run too fast for me to elucidate effectively. Why there are always 2 or 3 threads running through it at the same time is beyond me but it has been so for 35 years and it does not look like it is going to take a break.

The eye of the beholder

Being, as I am, a kind of social voyeur (some call it anthropology) I often find myself drawn to the less salubrious publications on the internet. No I am not talking about the conspiracy theory sites rather the mainstream newspapers such as the Daily Mail. This week there was an article from one Samantha Prick about how beautiful she is and how it has been a bane. Firstly, she isn’t beautiful in my opinion; she is at best quite attractive in a curious way, like a Doll but not a Barbie doll. Secondly, she is correct! Oh yes, she has a point with regard to perceptions people have and how they can affect you (if you let them)

Over my lifetime various people have suggested I take advantage of what “they” perceived as my good looks.  It has ranged from being an escort (even suggested last week!) to modelling or acting and on a few occasions the extreme................Gigolo-ing. Some have intimated I have already been doing this as I have been with a couple of ladies who whilst not rich were at least financially independent. That one really irks me as I have never let money be a reason to fall in love. And frankly it is an insult to those ladies that they would have been stupid enough to entertain “me”.

Whilst I do take issue with the article and the simplistic nature of her argument, I do understand there are shall we say, issues in that area?  It depends largely on how one perceives ones-self too.  I know I come across sometimes as confident and sure of my looks but the reality is far from that simple. I am NOT confident for example, never have been probably never will be. The “Oh lord it’s hard to be humble” song, for me, is a laugh.  But there is truth in what she says. Whilst in NZ I went to a professional recruitment agency that was billed as “The” agency for NZ. The recruitment interviewer told me I should “tone down” my look because it would probably intimidate the prospective employer! I was dumbstruck.  There she was in all her makeup and cleavaged  glory telling “Me” I was good looking and it might have a negative impact.  That was the first and only time I ever really thought, “I am fucked”!  I have no discernible talent/skill that employers are looking for, due in large part to never really knowing where I fit in and at 50 years old I am being told to “look uglier” if I am to get work in NZ!

The only area I am constantly advised to work in is sales, and I have already figured out I have too much of a conscience to try that one again.

Once many years ago I went to the Sandra Reynolds modelling agency to see if there “was” any truth in what people had been telling me. The guy who saw me took off my glasses and said, “Hmm, you eyes are quite big”! my immediate thought was, “so put me in a fucking meercat advert”!  even my last girlfriend (who was a model  and actress once) said my height shape and general measurements were perfect for a male model. I on the other hand look at what does pass for male models and then look at my photographs and have to laugh.  My nose is large, my teeth far from perfect I have a less than strong chin and jaw line, narrow shoulders and enormous “brackets” for wrinkles. “I” am under no illusions about my looks. Of course I appeal to some ladies, don’t we all one way or another? As is the case in reverse. 

When I reached 30 I happened to be sailing in the Med and a fellow sailor said to me “we are now at the age when we will be taken seriously in business, now it’s  our time”! he was a highly skilled marine electronics engineer and did indeed go on to business success in Barcelona, I always got the impression anyone “I” tried to do business with, thought of me as a mere lad, it was the wives of the successful yacht owners that liked me and there was a distinct air of suspicion from their husbands.  I am sensitive to atmosphere and I know Tolerance when I feel it!

The only time I managed to get my mug in some form of modelling was when Isobel started Izzy Lane and I did the men’s section. And they were awful! Even when I managed to get in Gladiator I spent more time hiding from the camera than proactively seeking the limelight. The sub director said at Shepperton when I was all made up; “ooh, Ridley will love you, you will go straight to the front”, it didn’t happen and was never likely to. 

I see myself in that grey area of not handsome nor ugly, like the large majority of us but for sure when I fall in love, she is beautiful and would hope she thought I was handsome.

It’s been a while since my last blog, before Christmas I think and frankly, I just haven’t felt the need, I have been screwed by apathy..........again! I have also been allowing the mind to wander in whatever direction it fancied to see where it would lead me.

Tonight whilst laying on the sofa, I managed to fall asleep before I wanted to, mental exhaustion takes me like that very rarely, but it happened and it was good.  When I woke it was once again with the thoughts of a woman I had once had a relationship with. It was many years ago yet she never really leaves my mind. It was her choice that we finished and although at the time I accepted it as inevitable, I don’t think I ever really understood what went wrong.  I am sure I made all the right noises if asked about it, kept dignity and suggested we just weren’t “compatible” but as I don’t think any humans are really “compatible” I would have known it was just an easy answer to a frustrating problem.

She was perhaps the first person ever to call my bluff. The words she said on our first meeting still rattle around in my head; “you seem shallow but I can see beneath that facade and that is who I want” not verbatim but she was essentially saying she didn’t care for the “shell” me, she wanted what she believed was beneath it. Made me cry a little. It was one very odd first date! I got the feeling that at last someone had “recognised” me despite the protective armour; it might as well have been a negligee as far as she was concerned. Oddly, it was at a time when I was closer to reaching some kind of academic fulfilment than I had ever thought possible, and that, had changed me considerably for the better (so I was told) I had reached a level of awareness previously hidden from me and was calm and reasonably level headed for the first time in my life. I was being offered a place at Oxford to study psychology (if I was prepared to do nothing else for 3 years!) I had been single for about a year and all looked rosy. I had this vision of finally laying to rest the notion that I was not as intelligent as I had always thought and here was my chance to prove it, but she entered my life and bang, I was off on a romantic rollercoaster. I left Plater that summer and never returned. (One might say THAT proves my lack of intelligence!) It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable I am. Living in the moment means one must be, but it isn’t an easy way of life.  I have to give airtime to the thought that I was probably a little scared of the commitment to 3 years at possibly the toughest educational establishment available. It wasn’t “modular” oh no, 3 years-exam-pass or fail! The thought of 3 years and then only getting a second or 3^rd! Was not acceptable to me, it had to be a first or nothing. So, it wasn’t a difficult decision, I had just crammed 2 years learning into one at Plater and the psychology tutor thought I was the bees patella’s whilst the sociology tutor considered my essays “visionary”! That’ll do for me I thought, academic potential identified thank you very much but I am aging rapidly and I have found the woman of my dreams.

Let’s get something straight here; I am not pining for a long ended relationship. It ended I got over it, that is a given. I am just curious as to why this one has never really left my consciousness. Sometimes I think the three years at Oxford would have been easier than the three years I spent with her! (I could say I got a “fail” after all!) There is a lesson in there somewhere and I probably know what it is.

So, this Christmas I spent alone and so I believe did she. I had several recollections of our Christmases together over those few days and at times I felt I was there with her. No, that isn’t right, what I mean is, I felt connected to her over Christmas, no, that isn’t it either! Ok, At Christmas, at certain times of the day, it was like I was there but unseen? Oh soddit! I can’t explain it. I am not used to being “lost for words” especially where affairs of the heart are concerned but in her case that seems to be....the case! I don’t like it, it is very annoying for me, I have been able to “rationalise” the others, but this one eludes me.

This wasn’t an easy relationship, by easy I mean; I had to make quite a few changes to my personality in order to avoid conflict but I accepted her observations about me and did see some truth in them. I had picked up quite a few bad habits and didn’t particularly want them and was happy to try and dispose of them for her (and of course me!) Physically she was perfect. The way she looked the way she spoke the way she dressed all of it was a stimulant beyond anything I had ever experienced yet she was the antithesis of “dolly”. I have never made a romantic decision based on looks despite some of my comments; I can’t get my head around a “type” how restrictive is that? Not for me. There has to be “something” something that strikes a chord and piques my interest. It isn’t something I can explain using words, therefore it “isn’t something I can explain”! I don’t want to either. That’s twice I have expressed my “lack of words” in this blog, that seems to be the problem, I can find no words to adequately understand why I didn’t keep her. She I am sure can explain it but given the impact I felt she had on me it wouldn’t help. I want to understand why “I” didn’t succeed. Yes, I “see” the arrogance in that statement! But let me explain; she stripped me bare and still wanted me, how often is that going to happen in a lifetime?

When it ended I knew I would have to get as far away from her as possible. I had to make myself very distant in both mental and physical dimensions, the physical was easy. I took the QM2 to the USA. I threw myself into whatever would take me away; mentally it was not happening and to be honest neither was it happening in my heart. I could very easily see myself getting the first plane back at the drop of a hat or a nonexistent phone call to “come home”! Despite having taken nearly everything I had from her house when I left, there were a few things I couldn’t get in the car which after a while I thought she would see and start thinking she missed me and would have similar feelings about having me back. She didn’t of course; she got stuck into her life. There was one incredible moment when we were communicating again where she said she would have loved a big hug.  I say incredible because it was totally unexpected, a moment of weakness on her part? I don’t know why I didn’t consider it a sign and leg it back to her, maybe I didn’t want her to want me in a moment of weakness? More likely I recognised “my” weakness for her and knew I would put pressure on her. That would not be right, love should have been able to just give her what she needed at that moment and ask for nothing in return? I know the “words” but sometimes the “Tune” evades me.

I don’t know if this is a common feeling but the thought of another seems as remote as the Antarctic, and even after a year or so you kind of know there will be things about the new relationship that will be either a reminder of the old one or a diametrically opposed one to one you loved. I know this quite painfully because the woman I met next could not have been more different from                     . she was a an ex actress and model that devoured red meat, hunted, smoked pot and was only slightly right of Genghis Khan.  I had spent the previous year’s becoming as vegetarian as I could and involved in ethical socially considerate environments, it “felt” very much where I wanted to be whereas this new one thrust me back into an environment I could easily be in, it was armour back on! It was easier to be with the new one because I could return to Mr. Cavalier, after years of being that way one never forgets how. Some of you may see that brazen over confident personality now. It is of course totally fake!  It is there to protect myself from any confidence sapping remarks. “Say what you like, I don’t give a damn”? Hmm, what is that about? Part of it is true; I don’t give a damn, but maybe inside a part of me does. The new relationship was awash with those “ribbings”, although to be fair she was also very confident in my abilities. That may of course have been because I gave the impression of bold confident?  It doesn’t matter now, she is one who let go and despite my admiration for her talents and ability, she was never going to be for me. The “connection” was probably “reactionary” (for both of us) I could also see that I could not give her the complete package she wanted. She doesn’t think I tried, I did, but not where she wanted it.

One of the mistakes I made with .............. Was when she exposed my soft underbelly, I assumed I could let go of all the bullshit and say what I wanted knowing it would be safe with her. I say mistake because although that might be treated as precious, it can be seen as a “weakness” that should be watched closely, even scrutinised. It was, and all my protestations that whatever stupid thing I said or did, it wasn’t the real me, eventually crumbled, whatever faith she had in me slowly disappeared. It was the first time a relationship had ended that, as I drove away, I was in tears with a kind of knowing it was beyond repair. It was a five hour drive to my parents house and for 3 of those I expected a call, I still thought there was something she was expecting me to do that would change things, I had exhausted myself and my repertoire was spent.

So I ask myself this question; is it ok to attempt a relationship with someone new when despite knowing and accepting this other one is over, there is still going to be a “connection” albeit garbled, still there for me?

Merry bloody Christmas.

What a week and weekend. And Christmas just around the corner! It’s just as well I am the embodiment of “Bah Humbug” otherwise I may have found myself genuflecting in some house of shame!

Twas the week I put myself on the line “publicly” about writing. Yeah, it is true I absolutely adore the activity of attempting to translate thought to paper; problem for me is that what goes on in “My” head frightens me sometimes! And despite the fact that when adding up all ones friends I probably don’t really need more than a couple of hands, the thought of potentially alienating myself from them never really appealed, but then I had an epiphany. I had heard about these epiphanic moments and was expecting all kinds of fanfare or at least a million candle power light bulb appearing above me bonce, it didn’t, no lights no trumpets just a sickening realisation that if I had a metier it was writing.

I realised I don’t even need to be any good at it. 10 years ago the brother of a girlfriend said “the average earnings of Authors was about £5000,00 a year” back then I wasn’t too impressed with that figure and it took me until now to realise that the money is irrelevant. Yes I AM a slow learner! Slow in some areas and rapid in others, where my own welfare is concerned I am sloth like, scrub that, Sloth riding a Snail on a glacier is probably a better description. 

Then I thought “what the hell of any interest have I got to say”? it was a little more of my proclivity for self denigration which I think may come from not wanting to be beaten to it! It was pointed out by my landlord a few months ago as a feature of my character he liked! Now some may be concerned that an apparently “negative” trait is an endearing feature but not me, oh no, I have been harping on about there not being enough “straight talk” in the world, and by straight talk I mean, point my wart out please because “I” am deluding myself it isn’t there and “You” can see it so if I am to Bazooka it, I need to know. I can’t say that as an absolute because for all I know you may be a myopic mole (Tautologically speaking) and it could be a beautiful spot as in Louis 14^th and not pubertal! So, wart identified I cogitated and came to the conclusion, “I ain’t gonna find any physical work that would provide enough sponduliks to survive” so stop trying and do something, non physical that you like, to not survive!

Next thing is Christopher Hitchens died and it was the reading of a few of his obituaries that made me realise it doesn’t matter if you are a “contrarian” if ever there were a man who “wrote of the moment” it was he, and that is what I do. No I am not comparing myself to him, I am much taller and dark haired for a start and I haven’t had that elite education which in some, expands the vocabulary to an art form, I don’t have his amazing memory or ruthlessly critical thinking ability either but I do have one similarity, I have mislaid the “diplogene”. So I am now able to be an opinionated arsehole on just about any subject and not feel, “I shouldn’t have said that”.

I also realised that my time at the Casita has come to an end and there is no escaping the fact that I haven’t done anything practical about where next, or what next. It was the vision of trying to pile everything back into the car and then driving up the track to……………….nowhere in particular that prompted me to ask FB friends for a topic about which I could write 5000 words. Being told by someone you have never physically met to “just bloody get on with it” is a good motivator; yes I wanted some feedback on the entertainment value of my writing. I am aware that a few people saying some nice things isn’t really sufficient to make such a decision but it has been said many times before by people I really should have put more faith in, people who loved me and wanted me to fulfil my writing ambitions. I let them down in many ways but let myself down more.

I wrote in an essay for my psychology tutor back in 2001 that I believed the “family unit” was no longer the most important in society and that we were developing a much wider family by way of the communication advances in technology. I was not aware of FB then in fact it hadn’t started but it seemed to me that we were going to be connected with the world on a personal level very soon. And that means getting a grass roots no holds barred in yer face perspective of life. That is now the case and even though it produces a lot of inane scribble there are some real gems.

So, if it brings me fame and fortune I have decided to give it all way! And as a newly converted Contrarian I can change my mind and create some sophistry to justify keeping it all!

Um, er, hmmmm, i wonder.

Quite a few people have said to me over the last 10-15 years “Tony, you should write” I usually responded with some excuse about not being good enough, who the hell wants to read what “I” write, I don’t know where to start, there are “Millions” of people who write so much better than me and so on. It is true!  It is also a copout, true, my command of writing structure is “naive” fluidity comes to a sudden halt and the “point” I might have started writing about regularly does a “Ronnie Corbett”. The subject I initially want to write about starts as a mini book in my head and then as soon as finger hits key I realise I can’t type fast enough to get it all out, and then it’s gone. It occurs to me that it might be better to have a hinged skull and then when I get an idea I could lift the lid and mould a piece of A4 over my brain and let the essence of what I felt soak in, it might not be legible but it might have a certain artistic merit!

Last year I bought “Dragon naturally speaking” a software program that is supposed to translate the spoken word into type, sounds good? I did have reservations about sitting at the computer “talking” to it and I also feel daft speaking to nothing; it didn’t make any difference because after loading the program and spending hours “training it” it still wouldn’t write what I was saying! I think my “diction” is quite good but Dragon seems to think not. I am not averse to a little editing but this would have been like translating Urdu into Inuit! The truth is I do like putting thought to screen; sometimes I do think I have a point or opinion that has some originality to it and get excited about putting it on record. I also think there is a certain part of me that likes being scrutinised or it could be a need to have some feedback about what I am doing or thinking, whatever it is it probably has a root in some sort of insecurity.

My mind works (or doesn’t work!) in a strange way, it is unfettered by convention it drifts and switches, goes off on an obscure tangent from the original thread, races and then slows to a sluggish pace leaden and dull and then fires back up at a speed I can’t follow. It sees a shiny object, an unrelated synaptic spark sneakily “pops” in a different place and I can’t ignore it! I can visualise my noodle from without and I see a vast pattern of Christmas tree lights flicking on and off but not in a sequential order there might be an “Uzi-like” spurt and then nothing, zilch, squat, bugger all sweet FA nada it has gone as quickly as it came. When people tell me to “live in the moment” I have to wonder if they know what that means (to me) I don’t think I have ever planned anything in 40 years, the “Moment” is all I am. Yes I “have” made decisions to do something but they have always been poorly thought out, reckless for my own needs, whatever place I am in at the time dictates my next move, if that sounds fairly normal, and I haven’t given it any thought, bear in mind that it has depended entirely on “reaction” imagine that feeling you get when you have to suddenly swerve to avoid something in the road, now imagine that as a constant journey; Imagine doing that for 40 years, you may not even be on the road now but still there seem to be millions of objects to swerve away from. It isn’t really possible to miss everything and sometimes a collision is unavoidable.

Someone, well, a few people have said to me, I have some great ideas, I should try and put them into practice “just go for it” is it fear of failure? I can’t quite grasp that concept because I have had considerable “failure” (although I am not really sure by what barometer that should be measured) and it doesn’t really bother me now.  I have also had some success (by my own barometer) I have had a lot of very good advice, genuinely helpful people with pure and good intentions for helping me get out of whatever place I am in. I have seen the frustration on their faces when I respond with an “ah but” and even heard myself laughing at that “ah but” seeing it for the feeble excuse it is and determining to sort it out. I sometimes think other people have a harder time understanding me than I do! Measured by their own aspirations I must be bloody frustrating. To some it seems I am like the council house tenant who wins the lottery say 40 million and says “I am going to get a nice Georgian style door for the house”

But the most perplexing part of my inertia (for me) is subject matter! If I was to try and make a living writing, what on earth should I write about? I have already discounted fictional novels; Academia is not even an option especially as my essays at Plater were described as “Journalistic” by my tutor, and journalism? Despite my dismay at some of the trash written in the name of journalism I “have” looked at various routes into that arena and haven’t yet found one amenable to my “style” of writing. “Oh Tony! More bloody excuses”!

OK I have an idea J (by the way, that “J” is a smiley in word that for some reason becomes a J when copied to my blog) as an exercise in motivation and a test of my real writing ability, let me ask you to suggest a topic for me to write 5000 words on and the genre in which it should be written. You know, humour, current affairs, fiction, biography etc, anything you like, please do not suggest writing about the inside of a ping pong ball, that was suggested at school and is frankly daft. Anyway, I am still working on it!

I know only a few people read my ramblings and it is not a particularly rational means of deciding where I should focus my writing but it will be useful to me and I would be grateful for the input.  Just out of curiosity, who else pours out a few cashew nuts and then eats all the broken bits and half nuts before starting on the whole ones ?

Please excuse the appaling punctuation. i would certainly need a smarter editor than microsoft review.