A bit more confusion but I am getting there !

I kind of “lost my way” over the last few months. I “thought” I had discovered a “new path”! it looked all wild and natural. It seems it is a bit too wild and natural for me now. And on closer inspection it is just an old path that has been re-sown with the same seeds as in the 60’s. “Nothing wrong with that though” it really is a pretty place and loads of people like it so it can do without me.

What I am looking for is a “New” place, somewhere that utilises the very best of human potential in unison with nature. I don’t see why one can’t have a Yurt for example that uses the highest tech materials and yet the very suggestion was met with horror.

It seems strange that people who seek a “natural” existence and have a good intellect shun the very world that provided them with that intellect. None of the great writers poets musicians etc would have produced their works if they had stayed in the trees it would still be all drums and jumping. Maybe that would have been a good thing for the environment but as man is NOT of this environment (my opinion not yet based on fact) I find it a little limiting. As a lifelong Atheist (for want of another expression) I have kind of leaned toward the belief that there is “energy” but that it is just that, “energy” it is neither good nor bad, it has no purpose and it sure doesn’t manifest itself in angels and demons! I look at Voltaire’s quote; “if God did not exist, man would find it necessary to create him” (might have been slightly different) and it opens a door to a perception that our ego plays an enormous part in our vision of life. Why shouldn’t it be simply a “biological” existence? What is wrong with that? Sometimes we fill the void with so much “noise” we can’t hear anything else.

I am no philosopher and wouldn’t want to be, it is as Voltaire says: When he to whom one speaks does not understand, and he who speaks himself does not understand, that is metaphysics. It seems to me that “Philosophy” is  nothing more than “Brain Art” and Abstract at that, it serves no real purpose (other than to provide metaphors) and has as many valid supporters of one view, as it has detractors. What is the point of that!

Maybe this quote suits me better: I also realized that the philosophers, far from ridding me of my vain doubts, only multiplied the doubts that tormented me and failed to remove any one of them.  So I chose another guide and said, Let me follow the Inner Light; it will not lead me so far astray as others have done, or if it does it will be my own fault, and I shall not go so far wrong if I follow my own illusions as if I trusted to their deceits.  ~Jean Jacques Rousseau. I don’t know if I am interpreting that correctly but I have always tried to “follow my own natural instinct” it runs contrary to one hell of a lot of other views but as it has at its core, the desire to live in a conflict free state, I trust it.

I have heard so many arguments against my feelings that I have at times wondered if I may have it wrong? And then some “philosopher” tells me what is right for me may not be right for another! No shit! It seems to me that unless we ALL start singing from the same song sheet we are going to continue arguing over how we should live. It is all very lovely to go through life trusting and believing in everyone, forgiving and loving, but unless everyone is doing it the situation will remain the same. And who says being a “peace love and light” proponent IS the right way! These same people often cite “nature” as their guiding light but “nature” isn’t all sweet grass and Daffodils! There are fucking mosquitoes for a start, not to mention procession caterpillars Scorpions Lions and the like! I would love to know what the cosmic importance of being eaten alive by a tiger has on my existence as a human. I would hazard a guess that it would simply be “food” for a superior creature!

I have tried very hard to find some deeper meaning to the existence of “me” (I won’t say mankind, he can speak for himself) and frankly, apart from a couple of incidents in my youth, I see no more than a biological, energy filled creature, and I am not in the least bit depressed by it. I have also done absolutely nothing, kept very quiet and listened, as some have suggested, and there were no epiphanies and I so fucking hate those smug bastards that say “oh well, you weren’t doing it right”! They seem to forget it may well be some cerebral illusion that is affecting them! Being 100% sure of something does not mean it is right. Some then say “well if I am happy with it why should it be a problem”? Well, no it isn’t a problem for you, you have decided to limit your possible potential to a particular philosophy and whilst there is nothing wrong with that, it does not give one the right to denigrate other ways of living.

In a conflict situation recently it was said “maybe we are both wrong and there is a third way” of course there is, and a fourth and fifth and so on but in the mean time it might be prudent to recognise certain shall we say “realities” and shift some attitudes. Some people have a strange idea about “spontaneity” it seems even that is limited to a certain set of beliefs. As long as the “spontaneity” fits with ones “philosophy”? Hmmm, that seems more like “a choice” to me. Or at the very least, a restricted spontaneity. Maybe “my” view of spontaneous is wrong, I am willing to accept all of what I think/say is wrong but it would be nice if that was reciprocated, even occasionally. I am dead keen to find “a new way” but I am not too keen on it being a re-hash of an old way naively veiled. I may be a bit simple in some ways but not THAT simple.

I said in my last blog that “all I was looking for was love” I don’t think that is a particularly unusual search but I am now wondering if it is a pointless one. I wonder what man of 25000 years ago felt towards his/her partner? And what, if we are still here, we will deem “natural/normal” in 25,000 years from now? If I am to take on board what some have advised, I should just “live for the now” and do so in a nice harmless manner. Really? And I should do this while some others are doing the complete opposite!? I certainly agree that I  should NOT allow anyone else to have a negative effect on my own life and that I should try not to have a negative effect on anyone else’s, but how in the name of (insert deity here) is that possible when we are all so full of conflicting opinions/beliefs! You kind of understand how “hermits” develop, but that seems like a cop out to me! Nope, I am happy to accept the views/feelings of another providing they don’t expect me to adopt them in totality. I don’t see anything wrong with that. What would be nice is if it was understood that some of “My” views/feelings were not intended to be “restrictive” and if you looked at some of them from a different angle they might not seem that way anyway. Equally accepting that we can use our not inconsiderable ingenuity to enhance our existence might not be such a bad thing either.

I am finding it very difficult to allow myself the luxury of believing I will lose this “confusion” about where to go what to do. It took a long time to shake off the transient pleasure of the material world. I don’t deny I felt good wearing nice clothes, eating fine food driving a comfortable car etc etc, satisfying some of the senses seems ok but all the time in the back of the mind is that nagging desire to discover something deeper, something with a real “wow” factor. I would be very upset to find out it didn’t exist and that it was just the result of reading too many books or listening to too many alternative people.i will say that some of the young people I have met over the last months has been a wonderful experience, some were not even that young but had incredibly good ideas/views that indicate a new way of thinking is definately developing. i am looking forward to the next 25 30 years and the potential changes.

One of my enduring dissatisfactions is that whenever I try and put in writing what I feel, I am left, after reading it back, feeling I have failed to express what I feel inside! It really is annoying. I can read it back and see exactly how some people will “interpret it” I wonder sometimes if that is because that “IS” how it is and I just don’t see it or if it is because I feel I know how some people think. Whatever, it is written

No Title.

When I was a kid, (a small one!) I used to love those programmes about the world. I particularly liked the documentaries showing far flung places like the Zanskar Valley or in particular this one that showed the life of a “road train trucker” in Australia. It has occurred to me in recent days that there was a lot of “loneliness” in my taste. These were remote places untouched by human hand for the most part and virtually ignored by the west in its relentless quest for minerals. Now I know that my interest was not based on my current knowledge of the west’s greed, rather something much more melancholy. I don’t really “fit in” anywhere. It has become painfully clear in recent weeks that my particular “philosophy” (if it can be given such a grand title) runs counter to just about every other. Yes there are “similarities” with other philosophies but there is always a final sticking point that renders me bereft of will when trying to adapt to any of them.

Take the “capitalist” view for e.g., it requires of me a level of involvement that minimises individuality to an extent I am not prepared to go. All the “trinketry” on offer couldn’t persuade me it is worth losing freedom. Yes most people do it and don’t really think they are giving up “freedom” some even think it gives them freedom! But any close inspection shows that to be false. The whole idea is to become reliant and subservient to a system. If it was just a “government” it would be simpler to understand but it now means “corporate subservience” too. The only “Business” I can think of that “insists” by law, you use them, is “Insurance”! Ever try and resolve an issue with a large phone company? Gas, Electric? It is nigh on impossible to resolve ANY issue with a large company without “Giving” your “free” time and lots of it! And even then the likelihood is you will be left feeling “shafted” and certainly angry.

You go to work for a sum agreed for your time which you base on what you need to survive and maybe have a little left for something “You” want and the value of that input is controlled by people you don’t know or even have any reason to trust, if I was any one of the many who lost all their hard earned in the banking crisis of a couple of years ago, I would probably have gone apeshit and tried to get at least one of the thieving bastards responsible. Anyway, that’s for another time.

Where does “me” fit? I mean “ME” the real me? It isn’t time to be the highly vibrating spiritual being we could all be, we are so way off from that little Nirvana, yes I am “Cynical” and a quick look at where “Cynicism” came from doesn’t make it something I am ashamed of either!

Cynicism: in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics (Greek: Κυνικοί, Latin: Cynici). Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature. This meant rejecting all conventional desires for wealth, power, health, and fame, and by living a simple life free from all possessions. As reasoning creatures, people could gain happiness by rigorous training and by living in a way which was natural for humans. They believed that the world belonged equally to everyone, and that suffering was caused by false judgments of what was valuable and by the worthless customs and conventions which surrounded society. Many of these thoughts were later absorbed into Stoicism. Can’t see a lot wrong with “That” particular philosophy!

So where the hell does that leave me? Well, back to loneliness. I have a few, shall we say, “Beliefs” about mankind that are hard to deal with, (not for me I hasten to add) I would love to believe that if you only ever “Input good” everything will be ok, there is some benefit in that attitude as experienced by some I know but it isn’t going to be benevolent ALL the time, and the times it isn’t may not just affect “you” it may affect the person who loves you too. Some may say, “well, you can’t live your life in fear” otherwise you wouldn’t do anything” true, but there are certain things that are NOT based on “Fear” they are based on “Knowledge” and empirical experience, and there doesn’t seem to me to be much point experiencing or learning if one isn’t going to “adapt” ones attitude to it. That tends to make me less approachable than I might like and NOT “aloof” as some have said! NO I don’t trust many people, why should I? Why should I render myself vulnerable when the potential threat may not be immediately “visible”? What kind of stupidity is that??  Maybe some people “Can” get some kind of “Growth” from being hurt, I sure as hell can’t! I have had my fill of that particular “benefit”! So for me it remains a journey, a journey which seems to be endless and without any obvious end. The philosophy that espouses that, is alien to me. “No end”? Why not? Why shouldn’t there be any kind of contentment? I am sure there are many peoples in some parts of the world who have no “need” to constantly get “challenged” constantly “discover,” have “they” stopped “Looking”? Is it wrong for them to have decided there is a “way” that satisfies and encompasses everything necessary for a happy fulfilling life? Nah, I don’t think so.

I said to someone the other day that my quest is “to find love” it was ALL I was interested in on this particular visit to planet Earth. Everything else was window dressing and could be lived without if one had Love. I am talking about the “one on one” kind here! Some, at this point, will say, “Ah but without money or a job it is difficult to keep love going” yep, “in the “Civilised? World” maybe, in that world where part of daily life is to try and get by as best you can, step outside that world for a few minutes and think how much does it “really” matter! Have a think about a Jewish couple in a concentration camp (horrible example I know) I wonder how much trinketry or social interaction they needed to still Love their partner. It is probably a bad example because it is more than likely that the adversity and dreadful conditions created a deeper need to be united, but there’s the rub. When all is said and done, only “Love” had any chance of survival, had any value. And it would likely have been a “one on one” love. Take everything else away and what we have left is a deep rooted need to be loved and to give love to one person in particular. It is “different” to the love we should express towards our fellow man/woman, it must be.

I am known to be a bit “analytical”! some say “over analytical” (please, no playing with the first four letters of that word!) it is true, I DO give a lot of thought to a lot of things and in doing so sometimes miss out on “spontaneity” but it would hardly be fair to say it has “curtailed” my life!! Ffs, I have sailed the Atlantic as a result of a spontaneous action! And “many more” adventures. I am just more reserved with “people” but I am no “loner”! I would shrivel without human interaction. I may be a bit “fussy” about who I interact with but not from an arrogant perspective! I have witnessed “boredom” from some who I have interacted with. I am sure I bore the hell out of some people just as some have the same effect on me. “I” am usually deceitfully polite and try and extricate myself at the earliest opportunity! Try not to offend, “That” is how I expect people to treat each other. Most do I imagine?

I will be honest here and admit that I fully expect to remain “lonely” for the rest etc. I am reconciled to the fact that I am a little too weird for most people’s taste. I have come to realise that the woman for me is but a dream. I have been able to “adapt” my desire to fit in with a whole bunch of peccadilloes but there are some things I just won’t accept. The lack of a certain emotional and physical exclusivity for one. And NO I don’t have “insecurity problems” in the classical sense! I view certain aspects of a “relationship” as “exclusive” you can “include” people at many levels but “blur” things and it can get messy. I know many couples who have that exclusivity and it works just fine thank you very much! And yes, I have experienced the alternative! I have been a bastard to a partner and came away feeling like a heel! I am NOT proud or happy with some of my history. One person in particular suffered from my lack of exclusivity and that was many years ago and I still feel bad about letting her down, I no longer beat myself up about it but recognise where it came from and what causes it. and I am not just talking about unfaithfulness in totality here either.

(Don’t know whether I should post this blog, it is a bit revealing!)

It is late June and in a few weeks I have to leave this little paradise for about a month, maybe more if the owner has other plans, and that, coupled with a recently depressing set of events, puts me squarely back where I seem to belong. “Beginning again” oh tedium! I have decided to get rid of 90 percent of my things and try and have only what I can carry, that is going to be a difficult task as I am still quite attached to certain items. I have an Emelda of shoes and boots, some unworn and most, expensive that I will take a bath on selling, but hey ho, easy come hard go! I have an Elton of clothes most of which are now way too big for my recently diminished stature and again loads unworn! What then (you should ask if remotely interested!) well, (I reply to an unheard question) “I don’t know” I have had all the “Oyster” I can handle for the moment, I “want” a little hideaway where no one expects much of me, where I can do just what is necessary to eat and manage my little life without having to attempt a re-entry!

“Houston, we have a problem”

In 2010 I along with Laura, emigrated to NZ; it was the realisation of a lifelong ambition to go there and live. It took the best part of 2 years to get in and upon arrival it became pretty clear it was going to be a 15 year battle to get accepted. A whole load of aspects were not as they had been portrayed. And equally to be fair, a few assumptions were wrong, but the land mass itself was amazing and nearly all of the NZers who had travelled were just fine. By that I mean, accepting of incomers, but the non travelled were hostile. Sorry, but they were. To call a 5 year old Honda Accord (which has a seven year rust warranty) a rust trap ready for serious problems is just moronic. But a good enough reason for them to charge an arm and a leg to “repair”! “ah but you salt your roads” was the stock reason, yes we do, and cars imported officially (unlike most of the NZ cars on the roads) are “Under sealed” specially for that situation! It was a con plain and simple, a con to extract money from “cashed up Brits” (a common expression for recent émigrés) what was strange was that if the UK ever wanted to “re-stock” Britain with “original” Brits, Nz is perfect, except you wouldn’t want to! 200 years of isolation has had an effect. It was a battle Royal to get me in because of a 25 year old conviction history which by all “apparent” legislation, should have been considered “Spent” it was by no means done and dusted either. The visa was a LTBV” Long Term Business Visa which didn’t give any security of acceptance until they were satisfied. And would have meant spending vast sums of money without knowing if you would be accepted. Many immigrants were “trapped” and desperate to get out but they were quietly ignored. I don’t look on that experience as a “good one” it was devastatingly disappointing for me and I think Laura. It seems the world is more of a “Clam” than an “Oyster” you just have to choose where you want to be “clammed” and then make the best of it.

Oh, BTW, I am NOT depressed! I am ponderous, curious about where my life is going next. I AM filled with trepidation, always am at this point but resilient enough to accept it will change again and always hopeful it will be a pleasant experience, but for now; I am quite bothered that a situation I “thought” was near perfect turns out to be lacking in a couple of areas I am NOT able or willing to compromise on. J

That’s it. Thank you for listening/reading or whatever.

Do something, "Anything"!

Am I “that weird”?I often wonder if there was a major omission in my development; I mean, how is it that whilst having a reasonably intelligent brain (others say it not me) and an ability to rationally analyse most circumstances, I still fail to grasp some apparently “normal” behavioural aspects of other people? From a “relationship” point of view, I am not even going to try and figure it out anymore! But from a more general perspective I am struggling with the mentality of some people’s beliefs. For example: it seems logical and reasonable to believe that an individual would do their utmost to maintain a “position” they like. If one had reached a certain level of financial success you would likely try and protect it quite vigorously? And the evidence of that protection would be fairly obvious. Ones attitude would be defensive against anything that threatened that position? It seems to me therefore that taking it to a higher level would be a no brainer! Any “elite family” (of many generations) Rothschild’s for example, are probably going to “defend” their wealth and assets with a ruthless vigour? My problem with this scenario is that: as an individual is quite capable of ruthless downright criminal behaviour in their search for whatever it is they are searching for, is it not reasonable to believe an “elite family” would also do “Anything” to maintain a position?? It can’t surely be “Impossible” to believe?

I always thought “if you can think it, it is probably possible” I also always thought “man is capable of “Anything” both good and bad. I believe fundamentally, man would happily enslave his fellow man in order to get what he wants and I believe he is and has been doing exactly that for millennia. I had a girlfriend who quite happily said she would become an assassin and have no compunction in dealing with the likes of Fred Goodwin, we both felt that way yet we don’t, we get on with life as best we can but it left me thinking, well, “States” do it all the time! They always find some “justification” for it they just don’t openly accept they do it. How in the hell can “That” be part of “acceptable society”?? It is wrong for individuals to do it but ok for governments?? They aren’t doing it for “Our” benefit! The Israeli hit squads don’t say hang on a minute government; we can’t just “Decide” on someone’s guilt and kill them! We have a system of innocent until proven guilty! Usually dealt with by an open court! They just go and do it. Frankly, “I” don’t have a clue about Osama Bin Shot other than what the “Western media” has told me! Is that “Media” whiter than white? I don’t bloody think so. I just don’t get how most people can carry on as if everything is sort of OK when the evidence that it is NOT ok is all around us.

I have had this thought process for as long as I can remember; there is no way I am going to “contribute” to a system that allows the likes of the worlds Bankers for e.g. to get away with robbing the population of its hard earned! We all “Know” they have pulled a fast one and got away with it and what have we really done about it? “Fuck all”! There are big fat odious scum sat on mega yachts as we speak enjoying the fruits of “Your” labour because they screwed the system. That alone should have galvanised the general population into “decisive action” how are these parasites of ANY benefit to “Your” life?  For the last couple of years a few people and corporations have made billions while the rest struggle! Another no brainer that there is something fundamentally wrong with the system. I guess people are too scared to believe there could be another way, a different way.

I don’t really know what the answer is; I have a few ideas, but no definitive solution. What I DO know is: doing NOTHING isn’t an option! I hate it when innocent people get hurt by “activists” but I admire the courage of anyone who risks their own freedom/life in an attempt to make a change. Britain’s wealth (now gone) was built on its army’s ability to “terrorise” (don’t give it a fancy name!) other nations and it was born out of nothing other than “greed” by a few people “for” a few people, “Nothing” has changed other than those few people have abandoned the “flag” they used to hide behind.