I kind of “lost my way” over the last few months. I “thought” I had discovered a “new path”! it looked all wild and natural. It seems it is a bit too wild and natural for me now. And on closer inspection it is just an old path that has been re-sown with the same seeds as in the 60’s. “Nothing wrong with that though” it really is a pretty place and loads of people like it so it can do without me.
What I am looking for is a “New” place, somewhere that utilises the very best of human potential in unison with nature. I don’t see why one can’t have a Yurt for example that uses the highest tech materials and yet the very suggestion was met with horror.
It seems strange that people who seek a “natural” existence and have a good intellect shun the very world that provided them with that intellect. None of the great writers poets musicians etc would have produced their works if they had stayed in the trees it would still be all drums and jumping. Maybe that would have been a good thing for the environment but as man is NOT of this environment (my opinion not yet based on fact) I find it a little limiting. As a lifelong Atheist (for want of another expression) I have kind of leaned toward the belief that there is “energy” but that it is just that, “energy” it is neither good nor bad, it has no purpose and it sure doesn’t manifest itself in angels and demons! I look at Voltaire’s quote; “if God did not exist, man would find it necessary to create him” (might have been slightly different) and it opens a door to a perception that our ego plays an enormous part in our vision of life. Why shouldn’t it be simply a “biological” existence? What is wrong with that? Sometimes we fill the void with so much “noise” we can’t hear anything else.
I am no philosopher and wouldn’t want to be, it is as Voltaire says: When he to whom one speaks does not understand, and he who speaks himself does not understand, that is metaphysics. It seems to me that “Philosophy” is nothing more than “Brain Art” and Abstract at that, it serves no real purpose (other than to provide metaphors) and has as many valid supporters of one view, as it has detractors. What is the point of that!
Maybe this quote suits me better: I also realized that the philosophers, far from ridding me of my vain doubts, only multiplied the doubts that tormented me and failed to remove any one of them. So I chose another guide and said, Let me follow the Inner Light; it will not lead me so far astray as others have done, or if it does it will be my own fault, and I shall not go so far wrong if I follow my own illusions as if I trusted to their deceits. ~Jean Jacques Rousseau. I don’t know if I am interpreting that correctly but I have always tried to “follow my own natural instinct” it runs contrary to one hell of a lot of other views but as it has at its core, the desire to live in a conflict free state, I trust it.
I have heard so many arguments against my feelings that I have at times wondered if I may have it wrong? And then some “philosopher” tells me what is right for me may not be right for another! No shit! It seems to me that unless we ALL start singing from the same song sheet we are going to continue arguing over how we should live. It is all very lovely to go through life trusting and believing in everyone, forgiving and loving, but unless everyone is doing it the situation will remain the same. And who says being a “peace love and light” proponent IS the right way! These same people often cite “nature” as their guiding light but “nature” isn’t all sweet grass and Daffodils! There are fucking mosquitoes for a start, not to mention procession caterpillars Scorpions Lions and the like! I would love to know what the cosmic importance of being eaten alive by a tiger has on my existence as a human. I would hazard a guess that it would simply be “food” for a superior creature!
I have tried very hard to find some deeper meaning to the existence of “me” (I won’t say mankind, he can speak for himself) and frankly, apart from a couple of incidents in my youth, I see no more than a biological, energy filled creature, and I am not in the least bit depressed by it. I have also done absolutely nothing, kept very quiet and listened, as some have suggested, and there were no epiphanies and I so fucking hate those smug bastards that say “oh well, you weren’t doing it right”! They seem to forget it may well be some cerebral illusion that is affecting them! Being 100% sure of something does not mean it is right. Some then say “well if I am happy with it why should it be a problem”? Well, no it isn’t a problem for you, you have decided to limit your possible potential to a particular philosophy and whilst there is nothing wrong with that, it does not give one the right to denigrate other ways of living.
In a conflict situation recently it was said “maybe we are both wrong and there is a third way” of course there is, and a fourth and fifth and so on but in the mean time it might be prudent to recognise certain shall we say “realities” and shift some attitudes. Some people have a strange idea about “spontaneity” it seems even that is limited to a certain set of beliefs. As long as the “spontaneity” fits with ones “philosophy”? Hmmm, that seems more like “a choice” to me. Or at the very least, a restricted spontaneity. Maybe “my” view of spontaneous is wrong, I am willing to accept all of what I think/say is wrong but it would be nice if that was reciprocated, even occasionally. I am dead keen to find “a new way” but I am not too keen on it being a re-hash of an old way naively veiled. I may be a bit simple in some ways but not THAT simple.
I said in my last blog that “all I was looking for was love” I don’t think that is a particularly unusual search but I am now wondering if it is a pointless one. I wonder what man of 25000 years ago felt towards his/her partner? And what, if we are still here, we will deem “natural/normal” in 25,000 years from now? If I am to take on board what some have advised, I should just “live for the now” and do so in a nice harmless manner. Really? And I should do this while some others are doing the complete opposite!? I certainly agree that I should NOT allow anyone else to have a negative effect on my own life and that I should try not to have a negative effect on anyone else’s, but how in the name of (insert deity here) is that possible when we are all so full of conflicting opinions/beliefs! You kind of understand how “hermits” develop, but that seems like a cop out to me! Nope, I am happy to accept the views/feelings of another providing they don’t expect me to adopt them in totality. I don’t see anything wrong with that. What would be nice is if it was understood that some of “My” views/feelings were not intended to be “restrictive” and if you looked at some of them from a different angle they might not seem that way anyway. Equally accepting that we can use our not inconsiderable ingenuity to enhance our existence might not be such a bad thing either.
I am finding it very difficult to allow myself the luxury of believing I will lose this “confusion” about where to go what to do. It took a long time to shake off the transient pleasure of the material world. I don’t deny I felt good wearing nice clothes, eating fine food driving a comfortable car etc etc, satisfying some of the senses seems ok but all the time in the back of the mind is that nagging desire to discover something deeper, something with a real “wow” factor. I would be very upset to find out it didn’t exist and that it was just the result of reading too many books or listening to too many alternative people.i will say that some of the young people I have met over the last months has been a wonderful experience, some were not even that young but had incredibly good ideas/views that indicate a new way of thinking is definately developing. i am looking forward to the next 25 30 years and the potential changes.
