When I was a kid, (a small one!) I used to love those programmes about the world. I particularly liked the documentaries showing far flung places like the Zanskar Valley or in particular this one that showed the life of a “road train trucker” in Australia. It has occurred to me in recent days that there was a lot of “loneliness” in my taste. These were remote places untouched by human hand for the most part and virtually ignored by the west in its relentless quest for minerals. Now I know that my interest was not based on my current knowledge of the west’s greed, rather something much more melancholy. I don’t really “fit in” anywhere. It has become painfully clear in recent weeks that my particular “philosophy” (if it can be given such a grand title) runs counter to just about every other. Yes there are “similarities” with other philosophies but there is always a final sticking point that renders me bereft of will when trying to adapt to any of them.
Take the “capitalist” view for e.g., it requires of me a level of involvement that minimises individuality to an extent I am not prepared to go. All the “trinketry” on offer couldn’t persuade me it is worth losing freedom. Yes most people do it and don’t really think they are giving up “freedom” some even think it gives them freedom! But any close inspection shows that to be false. The whole idea is to become reliant and subservient to a system. If it was just a “government” it would be simpler to understand but it now means “corporate subservience” too. The only “Business” I can think of that “insists” by law, you use them, is “Insurance”! Ever try and resolve an issue with a large phone company? Gas, Electric? It is nigh on impossible to resolve ANY issue with a large company without “Giving” your “free” time and lots of it! And even then the likelihood is you will be left feeling “shafted” and certainly angry.
You go to work for a sum agreed for your time which you base on what you need to survive and maybe have a little left for something “You” want and the value of that input is controlled by people you don’t know or even have any reason to trust, if I was any one of the many who lost all their hard earned in the banking crisis of a couple of years ago, I would probably have gone apeshit and tried to get at least one of the thieving bastards responsible. Anyway, that’s for another time.
Where does “me” fit? I mean “ME” the real me? It isn’t time to be the highly vibrating spiritual being we could all be, we are so way off from that little Nirvana, yes I am “Cynical” and a quick look at where “Cynicism” came from doesn’t make it something I am ashamed of either!
Cynicism: in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics (Greek: Κυνικοί, Latin: Cynici). Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature. This meant rejecting all conventional desires for wealth, power, health, and fame, and by living a simple life free from all possessions. As reasoning creatures, people could gain happiness by rigorous training and by living in a way which was natural for humans. They believed that the world belonged equally to everyone, and that suffering was caused by false judgments of what was valuable and by the worthless customs and conventions which surrounded society. Many of these thoughts were later absorbed into Stoicism. Can’t see a lot wrong with “That” particular philosophy!
So where the hell does that leave me? Well, back to loneliness. I have a few, shall we say, “Beliefs” about mankind that are hard to deal with, (not for me I hasten to add) I would love to believe that if you only ever “Input good” everything will be ok, there is some benefit in that attitude as experienced by some I know but it isn’t going to be benevolent ALL the time, and the times it isn’t may not just affect “you” it may affect the person who loves you too. Some may say, “well, you can’t live your life in fear” otherwise you wouldn’t do anything” true, but there are certain things that are NOT based on “Fear” they are based on “Knowledge” and empirical experience, and there doesn’t seem to me to be much point experiencing or learning if one isn’t going to “adapt” ones attitude to it. That tends to make me less approachable than I might like and NOT “aloof” as some have said! NO I don’t trust many people, why should I? Why should I render myself vulnerable when the potential threat may not be immediately “visible”? What kind of stupidity is that?? Maybe some people “Can” get some kind of “Growth” from being hurt, I sure as hell can’t! I have had my fill of that particular “benefit”! So for me it remains a journey, a journey which seems to be endless and without any obvious end. The philosophy that espouses that, is alien to me. “No end”? Why not? Why shouldn’t there be any kind of contentment? I am sure there are many peoples in some parts of the world who have no “need” to constantly get “challenged” constantly “discover,” have “they” stopped “Looking”? Is it wrong for them to have decided there is a “way” that satisfies and encompasses everything necessary for a happy fulfilling life? Nah, I don’t think so.
I said to someone the other day that my quest is “to find love” it was ALL I was interested in on this particular visit to planet Earth. Everything else was window dressing and could be lived without if one had Love. I am talking about the “one on one” kind here! Some, at this point, will say, “Ah but without money or a job it is difficult to keep love going” yep, “in the “Civilised? World” maybe, in that world where part of daily life is to try and get by as best you can, step outside that world for a few minutes and think how much does it “really” matter! Have a think about a Jewish couple in a concentration camp (horrible example I know) I wonder how much trinketry or social interaction they needed to still Love their partner. It is probably a bad example because it is more than likely that the adversity and dreadful conditions created a deeper need to be united, but there’s the rub. When all is said and done, only “Love” had any chance of survival, had any value. And it would likely have been a “one on one” love. Take everything else away and what we have left is a deep rooted need to be loved and to give love to one person in particular. It is “different” to the love we should express towards our fellow man/woman, it must be.
I am known to be a bit “analytical”! some say “over analytical” (please, no playing with the first four letters of that word!) it is true, I DO give a lot of thought to a lot of things and in doing so sometimes miss out on “spontaneity” but it would hardly be fair to say it has “curtailed” my life!! Ffs, I have sailed the Atlantic as a result of a spontaneous action! And “many more” adventures. I am just more reserved with “people” but I am no “loner”! I would shrivel without human interaction. I may be a bit “fussy” about who I interact with but not from an arrogant perspective! I have witnessed “boredom” from some who I have interacted with. I am sure I bore the hell out of some people just as some have the same effect on me. “I” am usually deceitfully polite and try and extricate myself at the earliest opportunity! Try not to offend, “That” is how I expect people to treat each other. Most do I imagine?
I will be honest here and admit that I fully expect to remain “lonely” for the rest etc. I am reconciled to the fact that I am a little too weird for most people’s taste. I have come to realise that the woman for me is but a dream. I have been able to “adapt” my desire to fit in with a whole bunch of peccadilloes but there are some things I just won’t accept. The lack of a certain emotional and physical exclusivity for one. And NO I don’t have “insecurity problems” in the classical sense! I view certain aspects of a “relationship” as “exclusive” you can “include” people at many levels but “blur” things and it can get messy. I know many couples who have that exclusivity and it works just fine thank you very much! And yes, I have experienced the alternative! I have been a bastard to a partner and came away feeling like a heel! I am NOT proud or happy with some of my history. One person in particular suffered from my lack of exclusivity and that was many years ago and I still feel bad about letting her down, I no longer beat myself up about it but recognise where it came from and what causes it. and I am not just talking about unfaithfulness in totality here either.
(Don’t know whether I should post this blog, it is a bit revealing!)
It is late June and in a few weeks I have to leave this little paradise for about a month, maybe more if the owner has other plans, and that, coupled with a recently depressing set of events, puts me squarely back where I seem to belong. “Beginning again” oh tedium! I have decided to get rid of 90 percent of my things and try and have only what I can carry, that is going to be a difficult task as I am still quite attached to certain items. I have an Emelda of shoes and boots, some unworn and most, expensive that I will take a bath on selling, but hey ho, easy come hard go! I have an Elton of clothes most of which are now way too big for my recently diminished stature and again loads unworn! What then (you should ask if remotely interested!) well, (I reply to an unheard question) “I don’t know” I have had all the “Oyster” I can handle for the moment, I “want” a little hideaway where no one expects much of me, where I can do just what is necessary to eat and manage my little life without having to attempt a re-entry!
“Houston, we have a problem”
In 2010 I along with Laura, emigrated to NZ; it was the realisation of a lifelong ambition to go there and live. It took the best part of 2 years to get in and upon arrival it became pretty clear it was going to be a 15 year battle to get accepted. A whole load of aspects were not as they had been portrayed. And equally to be fair, a few assumptions were wrong, but the land mass itself was amazing and nearly all of the NZers who had travelled were just fine. By that I mean, accepting of incomers, but the non travelled were hostile. Sorry, but they were. To call a 5 year old Honda Accord (which has a seven year rust warranty) a rust trap ready for serious problems is just moronic. But a good enough reason for them to charge an arm and a leg to “repair”! “ah but you salt your roads” was the stock reason, yes we do, and cars imported officially (unlike most of the NZ cars on the roads) are “Under sealed” specially for that situation! It was a con plain and simple, a con to extract money from “cashed up Brits” (a common expression for recent émigrés) what was strange was that if the UK ever wanted to “re-stock” Britain with “original” Brits, Nz is perfect, except you wouldn’t want to! 200 years of isolation has had an effect. It was a battle Royal to get me in because of a 25 year old conviction history which by all “apparent” legislation, should have been considered “Spent” it was by no means done and dusted either. The visa was a LTBV” Long Term Business Visa which didn’t give any security of acceptance until they were satisfied. And would have meant spending vast sums of money without knowing if you would be accepted. Many immigrants were “trapped” and desperate to get out but they were quietly ignored. I don’t look on that experience as a “good one” it was devastatingly disappointing for me and I think Laura. It seems the world is more of a “Clam” than an “Oyster” you just have to choose where you want to be “clammed” and then make the best of it.
Oh, BTW, I am NOT depressed! I am ponderous, curious about where my life is going next. I AM filled with trepidation, always am at this point but resilient enough to accept it will change again and always hopeful it will be a pleasant experience, but for now; I am quite bothered that a situation I “thought” was near perfect turns out to be lacking in a couple of areas I am NOT able or willing to compromise on. J
That’s it. Thank you for listening/reading or whatever.
